Dear C.,
I’m writing this because I miss you and forgive you, and I hope you’ve come to forgive me. I’m truly happy that you have found someone new and that you’re happy. I hope she’s everything and more that you could ask for.
After all this time I don’t ask myself why. I know why. There were moments when you were a careless, cold unrecognizable monster, but there were times when I was a psycho heartless bitch. I will never forget throughout those couple months we were trying to make it work and you told me that all of our relationship meant absolutely nothing to you. That’s what taught me that sometimes you can’t always predict how things will turn out and you’ll never really be prepared for the way someone will hurt you someday. It taught me to build a wall, and I thank you for that because it’s made me stronger.
I didn’t think it was possible for someone to hurt me as much as you did. To make you feel so empty, like the life was sucked right out of you. I never thought a human being could cry so much or feel so much pain, to go numb from hurt. To be told that you meant nothing, to someone you devoted 2 years of unconditional love to. All I wanted was some affection, some sign that you cared about me, and I learned too late that you don’t need flowers and a million kisses a day to know someone loves you.
You do have the romance in you though, I just diminished your thrill for it. I made it too forced, too expected and needed. I hope your new girlfriend approaches life the way you do, appreciates it the way you do. Make love to her and kiss her every day, she doesn’t need giant teddy bears in her locker or a phone call every night and morning to make her feel loved. You should just be that love for her.
You taught me compassion and nonchalance, no matter how funny that sounds. At such a young age, I threw my heart at you. I knew I loved you a month in because you were nice to me and treated me right. But we matured together. You were my best friend, my partner in crime, my everything for a really long time. We grew up together, went on adventures together, walked everywhere together, and I think the most important one of all, the one who never judged the other no matter what. You are one of the most trustworthy people out there, and don’t ever forget that, it’s one of your greatest qualities. You might try to act like a tough guy, but I know that you cared a lot about me for a really long time and that’s something that I’ll always be grateful for. As for the nonchalance, I was brought up as a pretty uptight and judgmental close-minded girl. You and your family taught me that you don’t need to act like you’re better than people to be happy, nor do you need money to be happy. You taught me that not everyone out there has a great home life. But I’m glad I got to date someone that didn’t get everything they’ve always wanted because it showed me what really mattered.
You gave me the confidence to be comfortable with my body as I grew out of my awkward stage (about junior year lol). You didn’t exactly approach it in the best way, but you definitely made me realized that I was truly beautiful and I hope you know that you are too. My advice is to just keep the negative comments to yourself and always tell her she looks wonderful, because she probably does, no matter how many times she puts herself down, because even though she’s telling you she wants your honest opinion, she doesn’t, she just wants your love and reassurance to give her the confidence that she might not have on an everyday basis.
The things I miss the most are the random times when you would hold me or kiss me or throw me in bed. I miss your spontaneity and passion. I loved how all we would do was watch movies and make love. Lawless will forever be my favorite. I miss your brother and sister and I’m glad we’re civil if not kinda friends again, and I’m happy with where it’s gone. I think all we needed was our time to find out who each of us were. I feel like I lost myself when I started dating you, but I also found myself through being with you. You showed me so many cool movies and musicians and so many different ways of looking at things. You might get cocky and narrow minded sometimes but you really are a smart man and I know you’ll find what you’re great at some day.
I think the reason why I excluded you from a lot at first after we broke up and didn’t want to be around you was because I couldn’t stand to be around you. You have so many quirks and little things that only you do and sometimes it annoys me and reminds me of when you were an asshole to me, but sometimes it reminds me of the good times and it makes me sad that those will never be again. I think now it’s just different because I don’t want you back, and you don’t want me either, and now I just look at them as good memories of little things that once were.
All I wish for you now is happiness in your future endeavors and I hope that you can look back at your years in high school as not all bad ones. I don’t miss you as a boyfriend, but I miss you as a friend, and I’m glad we’ve started to establish that again.
Sincerely,
M.