I guess God leads us down roads that we are meant to go down, whether we like them or not. He knows what’s best for us, even if we don’t at the time. And I guess God decided you weren’t right for me anymore…
I’m not saying I don’t love you, because I do. I love you more than all the stars in the sky, than every fish in the sea, more than every grain of sand on a beach, but that doesn’t change anything.
That doesn’t change the fact that we aren’t together. It doesn’t change your attitude, or the way you treat me. It doesn’t change the fact that I am no longer your world and your life no longer revolves around me. It doesn’t change the fact that you don’t want me. And it hurts, but I have to accept it.
I have to accept that there are bigger and better things for me out there. I have to accept that I have to put myself first and take care of me. I have to accept that I need to build my future now if I ever want to leave this place and grow and become someone. I have to accept that one day, someone is gonna walk into my life & turn it upside down. They’re gonna be the person I marry & have a family with & live out the rest of my life.
Yes, I love you. You know that, and I know that. Do you love me? I’ll never know. Sometimes I think you do, and then other times I realize you probably don’t, and it’s okay, because it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m no longer mad or angry at you, because you were right, we are toxic. I wanted you to change. You wanted me to change. We never did and we outgrew our relationship. It still hurts excruciatingly bad, but time heals all wounds, and one day, my broken heart will be mended.
One day, I’ll be able to say your name with out it ripping a knife down my chest. I’ll be able to think fondly of our memories and thank God you were apart of a small portion of my life. I’ll be able to say that I am happy you have moved on and that you have a wife and family of your own.
I just hope that I impacted you like you did me. When your future wife lays in bed with you at night and rolls over and lays her head on your chest, I want you to remember fondly that I used to do that. When you are holding hands and her thumb caresses your hand, I want you to remember I did that. I want to be part of your happiest memories, because I promise, you’ll be part of mine. All the summers we spent together, all the evenings I’d come and stay at your house and cuddle in bed with you and watch tv, all the car rides and screaming to the top of our lungs singing will always be fond memories of mine.
You taught me to be confident in what I say and to mean it. You taught me to be happy again and laugh at the most ridiculous things. You taught me to be driven. But mostly, you taught me to love fiercely and I am forever grateful.
Thank you for being my closest confidant for so long. Thank you for being the one who hugged me when I cried. Thank you for chasing me and tickling me until I couldn’t breath. Thank you for all the I love you’s and I miss you’s. Thank you for coming to my sporting events and everything else in-between. Thank you for being my secret holder and my hand to hold when I felt like my world was falling apart.
But most importantly, thank you for being my first love. I love you.