Dearest,
I started all my love notes like that. Remember? This morning as you were sitting with breakfast in bed. The bed in your favourite hotel, you switched. One minute loving, the next icy. Nothing had happened. Except for whatever was going on in your head. I know, I know, I’m supposed to have got it and by now I should have the ESP you believe would solve all ills. I don’t have ESP, sadly. I told my friends days after meeting you that we were going to grow old together. I didn’t know your last name. It seemed destined.
There are times you have smiled at me and those smiles have taken permanent residence in my memory. Ten feet tall, I was, when those were given to me.
It’s now six years on. You have been my own personal Viet Nam. I have felt guilty and sad about sometimes feeling as if I hate you.
Today I don’t feel guilty. I don’t wish you the best or want to be friends or cherish the good times. Please go into the world and chew someone else up. Demoralize, demean, mock, complaint about how someone else doesn’t get you and how if they were observant enough that would know what to do.
It will be hard to find someone as smart as you who can talk about science and data and damn will it be hard to find someone who is so free and fun in bed. The world is full of non inquiring minds and those with hang ups and repressions. The world is also full of people who don’t need to win at all costs.
I hate you as much as I ever loved you. My hope is to grow indifferent about you. Where you are, who you are with. I will wake one day and just not care. Good luck to to person in line after me. They will need it. You really seem like a good thing.
My last picture is you there in that bed pouting.
Best to you in your next battleground because it is sure to be one.
I am hx.