Unfortunately, I’ve come to this unsettling realization that It’s only human nature to constantly fill our reality with fiction. With that being said, here I am writing to you.  Please excuse me for not wanting to chat over the phone, or even worse, in person.  This way, I don’t run much risk of having to answer the question, How’ve you been?” because I don’t want to lie to you. That would make me feel anxious when I’m already feeling anxious. I don’t believe in lying to people, particularly people I care about. So for that reason, I can’t run the risk of being asked this question.

Before we met, I had no concept of the word “love.” I grew up believing it as just another verb, but you turned it into a noun. I believe in love. Have you ever thought about what love indefinitely is? I’m sure you have, but I do every single night. Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind. You made me realize that love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, only with what you are expecting to give, which is everything. Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to have sex every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that I’m kissing every cranny of your body. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. You were my fortunate accident.

Have you truly sat down and absorbed the events that led us to collide? Because again, I do every single night. I remember our first kiss on your parents porch, August of 2010. A night I’ll never forget, but it sure does hurt to remember. It was a night I became infatuated with you. I truly believed you were the most beautiful women I ever met, a feeling that still holds true today. It wasn’t love at first sight, because I don’t believe that exists. Although, it ignited a fire in me that I’ve come to accept will never be burned out. It’s been 4 years, yet I’m reminded every night that I may never have your warm body next to me as I lay in sorrow on my bed. Am I sounding utterly pathetic yet?

I’m sick and tired of having to pretend that I shouldn’t chase you, or that I should feel guilty for having these feelings for someone whom I had an unhealthy relationship with. For some reason, It’s beyond frowned upon to fix something that may be broken. Maybe that’s a logical approach to being alone and happy, but that’s not the solution for me. As one of my favorite and simple lyrics from Jack Johnson states; Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart.

I was just engaged. I had a beautiful baby daughter, I thought I was doing fine. Here you were, without even knocking you appeared in my thoughts. After 2 and a half years with my ex fiancee, you made me realize something about relationships and love. I thought I loved this girl, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. But there’s a significant difference between fighting for something that you know is too good to let go of, and clinging onto something that is already dead. My love for her died, and I’m starting to question if it was ever alive. God, am I starting to sound like an exceptional asshole yet as well? Maybe I am one, I’m sure you’d agree. See, my “love” for my ex fiancee became familiarity, a routine, insurance. It was something I had gotten used to. A security blanket; a guarantee that I wasn’t alone. I tried to convince myself that love was still there, because I was never ready to admit the alternative; that I was still very much still in love with you. So I grasped onto it, no matter how much my gut resisted because my mind would rather cling onto something dead, rather than stepping out into a cold world alone & hurt.

Is it my fault? I don’t believe so. It’s human nature. It’s in our bones to want to be with other people, except in my case it’s a specific person. I must remember that there’s a difference between forcing love, and fighting for it. Forcing emotions is not love at all, like I was with my ex fiancee. It became a manufactured emotion my body created as a coping mechanism to stay distracted from you, a survival instinct per say. I was forcing a love that was already dead, which was closing an opportunity to fight for the person who set my soul on fire; you. See, I never wanted to admit that the choice wasn’t easy, it’s not. But at least that choice is mine.

I realize it’s too late. I realize you’re not a teenager anymore, you’re moving onto bigger and better things that don’t involve me. I’m no longer throwing a pity party for myself, although I wish I was. It was an easier time believing my life is awful, and pointless without you. Fortunately, it’s not. Do let me say this. I love you, I always will. I’ll never give up on you again, even if that means I’ll never physically be with you again. I’ll always be here, under any circumstance I will stand by your side. You were the one for me, and the one that got away. Oddly enough, I am thankful for what we’ve gone through despite how negative it was. I learned a lot about life, love and myself. Thank you, I know now that what I do feel for you is as true as it gets. Please don’t live your life under the notion that love isn’t worth it, because it’s the best and most significant feeling this life has to offer.

Yours truly,
Your ex boyfriend.