My ex boyfriend/best friend, JDO

I regret what I did.

And I mean it. When I ended it, I don’t think it was because I wanted to. There was so much pressure around me from everyone and I couldn’t even think about what I really wanted. I didn’t want to do it but I did because I never got the chance to stop and think, “wow, why am I letting everyone make my own decision for myself.” Why did I let something so good go? I ask myself this everyday and every night. I think about you all of the time and I question if maybe you do the same. I still care about you a lot and it hurts because of how much I care.

I have talked to a lot of people about it and it had helped for a little while but nothing can hide how much I still care. I love you and I always have. I still have very strong feelings for you and I wonder if you have the same towards me. When our song comes on I can’t stop thinking about you and I still get butterflies. Does the same still happen for you? What I did was awful and I shouldn’t have let everyone else’s opinions get in the way. But I did and I hate myself for it.  I care to much about everyone else when at that time I should’ve only cared about me and you and how amazing my life was. You treated me like a princess and I was so happy. You made me happy. I had a dream recently and In the dream I asked you if there was a reason why you won’t talk to me anymore and you didn’t give me an answer. But you leaned over and kissed me. I can’t stop thinking about that dream. I can’t stop thinking about when I asked you for that favor. I’ve never had someone care so much about me like you did. Do you still care? Do you think like I do? Or am I just being ridiculous? I know how much I hurt you and I really hope you can forgive me. I miss the memories. I miss you. I miss our conversations that had no real purpose but were simply great anyways. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for you. You taught me how to love myself and I learned to love you so much more in the process. And boy did my feelings grow so strong.

If you ever read this, I want you to know I meant it when I told you I love you even though you may  believe I set out to hurt you from the beginning. I didn’t. What I felt with you is something that was so amazing. I will never be able to feel that with anyone else because you were special and you still are. you were my best friend and I still would like to consider you my best friend but I don’t know if you feel the same so I cant. The feelings were so different and I had never felt anything so amazing such as that before. You were different. We were different. We were special. You are special. I wonder if you understand what I am feeling or if you feel the same? I wish you would talk to me because I want to know how you feel. I honestly have not moved on it may seem like it but I haven’t. It sure does look and seem like you have moved on but is that an act. I didn’t think it would be so hard to move on. I don’t know if I will ever honestly fully move on because you mean to much to me. I may sound completely and utterly ridiculous and desperate for you back but this is just how I feel right now. I just need to get this off of my chest. I told you everything and anything. You knew/know me better then most of my friends. I messed up a lot and I know that for a fact. I messed us up and I’m truly sorry. Talking to my friends just wasn’t cutting it anymore so I figured I would try something new. I am hoping this gets us back to speaking terms or friendly terms again. I’m sorry if this was weird or too much for right now but I had to say it eventually. You probably won’t ever read this anyways but if you do then you do. Hopefully you could understand how I feel if you do read it. If not that’s ok too. I just want to say one last thing. I love you and I always will love you.

Your ex girlfriend/best friend,
Leah Cecilia