I don’t know what I’m doing.
Where am I supposed to go.
You and our love is all I’ve known and craved and longed for, for almost 4 years now. Even though we haven’t been the same for almost half of it I know that the year apart proves how deep the love is, as it didn’t change between meetings, even though you had lied and told me it had.
So I’m being the rational one here, again, taking your health as priority and keeping away. Why am I doing this to myself? What about what I want? Why don’t you fight and push through the fear and see what I want, what I need? Why is it about you, how you can’t do this? How my parents scare YOU? I’M the one that could lose everything, why would I still think now, even after two full blown rejections, that you’re good enough for that? Why can’t I just LET GO. What is it about us that pulls me in every time I want to give up?

I know I thought this was meant to be, that we’re soulmates and that I have been born a thousand times before and been made for you, etc etc. But surely not? Surely I shouldnt have to go through this much anguish for something I deserve? My heart pounds at bed time, craving you. I dont even have to think about you, I concentrate on my heartbeat and it brings tears to my eyes like my body knows.

I don’t even know if I want you anymore. What if i decide I don’t and then you come back? But also, what if I just hold on and try to move forward and actually, you just completely let go?

How is it ok to call me and tell me you want to act like you can’t have me anymore? Am I supposed to agree? HOW SELFISH. I THINK I FINALLY HATE YOU.

And yet, I don’t.