I remember saying that nobody would ever break my heart. Nobody would ever come close enough to hurting me. I was a girl who never caught feelings. I spent my weekends sleeping around with useless men and my weekdays having my head buried in my studies. I had it all figured out, I wasn’t scared of being alone. Have fun, and graduate. Go to college, get a good career and never let a man hurt me. Easy, right?

It was simple until I found my hand flying and waving in the air to explain what foreign policies were. I was sure nobody else knew the answer, until I looked around and saw your hand rise as well. That’s how the duration of that class went for the rest of the quarter. Both of us competing for top of the class and debating. We were both irritated at first but it sparked an interest. Our eyes would lock during random times and I spent more time in the morning getting ready. I couldn’t shut my mouth up about you to my family, and I found you in traces of my writing.

December fifth you asked me for my number, and the independent girl I once knew melted like a popsicle below your converse. I went screaming into the void (aka gym) and I couldn’t keep my cool long enough because I texted you immediately. We talked constantly, about how madness and genius fit hand and hand, about our favorite writers and about out beliefs. A week later you asked me to be your girlfriend, and I knew from that moment I was screwed.

We started off so shy, so reserved and meticulous of our words and actions. We went from wonderfully awkward cuddle sessions filled with very cautious words. Who knew months later, we’d be practicing wrestle mania, licking each other’s faces, and peeing in front of one an other? We went from the perfect couple, to an even perfect couple because we weren’t afraid to fight. You wouldn’t help me clean the room, I didn’t give you enough attention, etc. You’d threaten to leave and I’d help you pack your things until they were all packed and I’d beg you to stay. You’d promise you were never leaving and dry my tears and tell me we would be together forever.

I remember when you knocked on one of my favorite YouTubers doors and begged him to friend me on Facebook. Or when youd understood I had bad days and just held me. When you brought me my big bear, Charles because you knew I wanted him, (I still sleep with him everynight.)

It’s funny how that works, how when we were together I could only remember the time you broke up with me on my birthday for like three hours aha. Or how you always had something bad to say about the things I liked. You’d never want to hang out with my friends and didn’t want me to either. How you gave my dog away when you were mad and how you’d never give me my cat back. You remember those things when you’re together, and I’d never take into consideration how you’d always let me watch what I wanted, and how you would always take such good care of me when I was sick. You don’t take that into consideration because you think that person will always be in your life until the moment they walk out the door and you find yourself on the cold hardwood at three in the morning begging whatever deity may be to kill you, just to put you out of your misery already because a life without you is not a life I want to see.

July fourth, I bailed on you to get drunk with my friends. I called you to apologize and to tell you that I loved you, you answered and told me that you couldn’t be with me anymore. I remember that pain, my heart falling out on the carpet and suddenly there was a whole I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fill. My legs started to tense and I remember just wanting it all to stop, just to go back to a few hours before. It was weird, because everything was numb but as well as very very painful. I couldn’t lose you, I could lose everything, but I couldn’t handle losing you.

They say time heals everything but it’s been four months and I still dream of you everynight. I dream of you wanting to get back together and of course I say yes, and we embrace and you apologize for leaving me for four months and I say it’s okay because I know how terrible I was before and assure you Ive changed. Every dream I will beg “Please don’t let this be a dream, please don’t let this be a dream” and I wake up and I feel that ache and I know that you don’t love me. Four months and I’m forgetting how we talked to each other, I’m forgetting the way your voice sounded or the cute thing your eyebrows would do when you get focused. I’m forgetting the way my head fit on your shoulder and how it felt to see you walk towards me. Two years together, and I would have to keep my head down so you couldn’t see me smiling so crazy when I would see you after a few days.

This is going to take way more time to heal, and I’m not even sure if I’m close. But regardless, I love you, Asher. You will always be my first love and the one person I want to talk to when something happens. You’ll always be the one that got away, the only exception. I only want the best for you, even if that isn’t me. Thank you for dealing with my outbursts, and my constant drinking. Thank you for showing me Skyrim and loving me for two years. Thank you for walking into my life when you had, and thank you for wanting to still be my friend. Even if I didn’t get the lifetime I was hoping for, I still got two years with you, and that’s better than nothing.