It all started when I walked into our English class our junior year. I’ve always been nervous and shy and hate being the center of attention so when I was late to my first day of class, I walked in and everyone stopped talking and looked at me. I tried my best not to focus on everyone else except the teacher. She quickly checked my schedule and told me to take a seat. Not that it was an option because the only seat open was the one next to yours. We made eye contact for a few seconds as I sat down and it felt like time stopped. Our eyes met and I felt mixed emotions and then I turned around and began paying attention to the teacher.

We never thought that that would be how everything began. First kisses, many laughs, a whole lot of flirting and you finally asked me out. Three seconds of eye contact turned into 3 years together. Three years where we experienced and overcame so many things.

Like going to prom together. You never took your eyes off me. We danced all night even when the dj put the worst music.

Like graduating together. I remember all the sleepless night when we would get off work and I would sit next to you in my room helping you with homework.
Walking across that stage with such a huge smile in your face was one of the best moments we’ve shared. You said baby we did it! And kissed me.

Like being apart for the first time because you moved away for a better job. That’s when things started to get hard. A few months of our relationship being tested but we managed to stay together.

Remember when I first cooked? I felt so bad because I was so horrible at it but even then you said it was great & even got a second plate because you were so proud of me. That’s one of the many moments where I knew you truly loved me.

I remember getting our first place together. From trying to decorate the house to meeting our little baby kitty, Shadow, on my day off while you were at work. We took him a shower & the next morning bought him a bunch of stuff.

I remember the first time you didn’t sleep in our bed. We had just gotten into a fight and you decided to sleep on the couch. I didn’t get one minute of sleep because this felt weird. This wasn’t us.

I remember the first time we ignored each other for a few days. Only making small conversations and even then we pushed each other away.

But then we started arguing even more. I couldn’t understand why. I know my attitude can sometimes get the best of me but deep down inside you always knew I loved you.

I learned how to cook, and that was such a big accomplishment for me because I completely sucked. I learned how to keep the house feeling cozy and clean. I learned how to be a woman while being with you. I learned what paying bills and managing time was all about. I worked hard to make you happy. To be someone you would be proud of. I didn’t realize I was loosing myself through all this.

I didn’t realize you had caught eyes from a girl at your job. I didn’t realize letting you go out with friends from work meant you were out with her. I didn’t realize that when you argued with me you were only looking for a way out. I didn’t realize that you were cheating on me. I didn’t realize how stupid I was to think everything between us was okay. I didn’t realize that I was so focused on you that eventually I lost myself.

I hated myself. I tried to perfect every little thing that you didn’t like. I didn’t argue. I remained silent. I would be sweet and kind. I would surprise you with sweet gestures. Write little notes in your lunch box for work. I would set your clothes all prepped up so when you got home from work there was a home cooked meal ready & a warm shower all set for you. But yet that still wasn’t enough.

I remember when you looked into my eyes and said, ” I don’t love you anymore ”

My world stopped. All of our memories rushed back to me in a minute before I finally realized what you said. You kept saying you weren’t happy and wanted to end things. You said that it wasn’t my fault. You said I did everything right but that you just couldn’t get that feeling away. That feeling of not loving me. You didn’t seem sad. You didn’t seem hurt. You just said those words like if it meant nothing to you.

After two days, I figured out that there was someone else. My heart shattered. Not even a week had passed by and yet you kept saying how she made you feel different. How she made you happy. How you couldn’t explain the way you felt about her because the emotions were intense. Wasn’t that how you described your love to me? Weren’t those words once being spoken about me? Didn’t I make you happy? Wasn’t I enough?

I remember when we had that horrible fight and we did things we’re not proud of. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and wincing when I touched the side of my cheek. The nasty dark toned bruise that was forming and you didn’t come home that night. You were out with her. I remember waking up in the morning and seeing hickies on your neck.

I just don’t understand. Why could you want to make someone so fucking miserable? Why would you want to make someone question themselves and doubt themselves? Why would you do that? Why did you hurt me? Why did you mentally and physically hurt me? Even looking at you, I realized you weren’t the same. You weren’t the same guy who would wake me up in the middle of the night because I was having a bad dream. You weren’t the same guy who surprised me for valentines and made me feel like the most special girl. You weren’t the same guy who would have tickle fights until I would scream to stop.

Because if you were still that guy, you wouldn’t hurt me the way you did.

You left me completely broken. Now I don’t want to know about love. Love is dark. Love is lonely. Love is painful and full of hatred. I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll never be myself again. I’m scared that I won’t laugh at weird things people find ridiculous. I’m scared I won’t sing in the shower out loud because that’s when I feel the most free. I’m scared I won’t want to meet someone who will truly and utterly love me so unconditionally just because of you. Because of the pain you’ve caused. I want to hate you. I truly do. But I can’t.

But all I can hold unto is that one day. That one day where I won’t think about you. That one day where I will smile because I’m truly happy. That one day where I’ll hear your name and it won’t hurt anymore.