Dear T.

You were my first love. You were the first person to hold me as close as you did. You were the first person to break my heart. It needed to be broken.

It has now been a week and one day since we agreed to separate. We shared a whole year and a month together. A year and one month of silly jokes, intimacy, comfort, film watching, and euphoria I had never felt before. I truly didn’t know how true love felt until you fell for me, and I fell for you. You were a performer, singer, and poetic soul coming from a recent heartbreak. Heartbreak that had hit you like a train. The heartbreaker also happened to be one of my “ex”- best friends. They had damaged us both in different ways, destroyed our trust in people, in different ways. It wasn’t easy. You had spent three years building a bond with them, only to have it suddenly engulfed in flames.

From that experience, we began to grow closer. I still remember spending all day with you, talking and having fun after such a depressing event. I remember falling in love with you over the course of several days. Seeing your beauty, both in your physical appearance and in your character, made me fall hard. You made me laugh. You made me smile. You made me feel like I could do anything. And from then on, we both became entangled. And yet, we never made physical contact. You were an American girl thousands of miles across the ocean, singing and performing your heart out on stage, and I was an autistic British man working on cartoons, trying to figure out what to do with his life. It was not always easy. We argued as any couple does. We misunderstood. I made a lot of first-time mistakes. Misunderstanding your emotions and intentions and my need for clarification caused problems. And then, life hit.

You became so busy with work, study, and friends that life took us both in different directions. It made January of this year difficult on the both of us. I know you still loved me, but love wasn’t enough to save it. We simply couldn’t keep it going anymore. I failed to realise this for this entire week. I wanted to hope that things could go back to how they were. But they couldn’t. And we both had to move on. I am still adjusting, but I finally see with clarity. I am healing slowly, but surely.

Because I don’t regret you. I don’t regret letting you so close into my heart. If there’s one thing I regret, it’s my initial response to the situation.

You are an amazingly talented, funny, bright, and charismatic person. And I will always care for you. I look forward to seeing you grow as a person. As a friend.