To A,

Yesterday I unfriended you on Facebook, and the emotions came immediately. A sadness that I haven’t felt since you said those things on NYE. I’m still not sure how I feel about it all. The overwhelming anxiety and the panic attacks the break-up triggered have finally given way to real grief. Grief for what exactly?

The relationship hadn’t been good for a long time. I never felt the same since I moved countries to be with you. When we first were apart, you were kind, loving and supportive. However, when I moved in with you, everything changed. I made a huge decision to leave a stable job and my home country – a decision that you knew was a difficult one for me. I was unsure of wanting to finish the course I had taken a break from for work, there was zero guarantee of me finding a very specialized job in your hometown. I was uncertain and scared. Only one thing I trusted, and that was you and that you would help me through the difficult time. I could not have been more wrong. I didn’t recognize the person I had moved in with. And that broke me. I fell ill in a way I never had. When I think of those days, I remember waking up every morning to vomit from pure anxiety, my heart pounding every evening when you came back from work not knowing how you would treat me, the burning in my chest – like an infection, the waves of panic, the humiliation and the isolation. But I pulled myself up and survived. Whatever happened later wasn’t anyone’s fault, the solution was the right one for both of us, and the consequences just bad luck.

Why am I so sad then? I was unsure of you from the beginning. Physically you were my type, there was an immediate attraction. But we had nothing in common. No shared interests, our personalities didn’t match, I very often pitied you and, towards the end, found it very hard to respect you.
Why did we stick it out so long? Make so many sacrifices? I’m not even sure I loved you. I believed you when you said you wanted to be with me indefinitely, that I was the one. It gave me something solid, I felt like I could build on something. You know I wanted a family, and I thought you did too. At least that’s what you told me. I know it wasn’t right but I felt you owed me for the things you put me through. I enjoyed the affection, being with someone that was mine. But we don’t own each other, there is no such thing as commitment. Ultimately, we are alone. And I always did value self-sufficiency. Seeing my friends’ relationships and how limiting they are, and remembering how miserable I felt in ours, I’m not sure I want that for myself anymore. It is time for me to return to independence.