Dearest David,

First of all, I can’t believe I am writing this. It’s the middle of the night and I have homework to grade and other things, but here I am trying to purge myself of this…of you. And yet, in some twisted way, I don’t want to let go because I fear that if I do, I’ll be letting you go forever.

We started out as friends thanks to Radiohead, (’93, Tower Records) and over the course since THAT day, we have had some missed connections. Mostly because I was in that stupid relationship with J., but whatever.

Huh…I still remember those stolen kisses we shared and how intense and passionate they were. To this day, those remains my favorite. I still remember you giving me the jade colored candle-holder with “Love” attached it to, In my youth, my naivete, I did not read the signs. Maybe because up until then, I was never truly loved in that way. We lost communication and I thought that was that but the memory of you lingered.

Fast forward to December of 1997 and I just so happened to have discovered your dad’s phone number in the telephone book. I called hoping to reach you but instead left a message. I didn’t think you would call, but you did to my delight. We arranged to meet at your place not knowing what was in store. Truly, I did not. Instead, it turned out to be a weekend of the most intense, passionate, body-aching love-making of my life. I felt every fiber and my core that Saturday night listening to “Bittersweet Symphony” and “Pictures of You.” (Of course, in some sort of Pavolvian way, I still get a slight smile whenever I hear those two particular songs.) Between the sweet smells, candlelight, music, and just the mere energy, that night – that night! – was beyond anything I could’ve imagined. We were two plaited snakes and I thought that no one could’ve taken you away from me. But alas, I guess I was conquer then divide our separate ways after that fateful night. Your silence spoke loudly.

So, fine. I broke up with J., came across yet another ex but this one I ended up marrying. A’. never got over me. We starting the whole dating thing which lead to marriage, family, etc. He truly adores me and loves me for everything I am – flaws and all. I thought you were on the backburner permanently and did not think about you until…

facebook.

I saw “People You May Know” and my heart sunk. I felt my heart beating outside of my chest and I couldn’t believe I saw you. There I am, in bed with my husband sleeping next to me and in that moment, nothing mattered except me gazing into your profile pic. It took me a long time, but I sent a polite message, “Hey Dave! Saw you on fb. Just wanted to say hello and hope you are doing well.” I sent it and I thought that was the end of that but life has its funny sense of humor, I guess, because you responded.

Over the course of some weeks, we chatted and were brought up to speed about each other’s absences. Then, we arranged to meet up. Granted, I told A’ about it that I wanted to meet you for coffee and that you were my friend. He initially said sure but then changed his mind. i pouted and because he does not like to see me unhappy, he relented with hesitation. I told him to trust me.
So, we ended up meeting for lunch. When I saw you for the first time in 15 years, it was as if time stood still. We hugged briefly and smiled so much at each other. We dove deeper into filling the gaps over many cups of coffee and brunch. You told me about your stormy blue-eyed Amazon and I about my life. Then, we strolled into the pretty shops in Oak Park and even snuck in a game of chess. After some time, it had to come to an end. When we hugged that last time, I felt a surge of heat and sudden sadness and light tears filled my eyes. You asked me why, and I said, “I feel like this will be the last time I’ll ever see you.” And I was right.

We chatted on Messenger and tried to see each other again but you ended with a flat tire. (How telling, huh?) then I started getting jealous because you “Had to go; chatting with my girl.” And I was in constantly hoping that my A’ wouldn’t find out that we were still communicating. Even after the fact that you accepted my Friend Request, I couldn’t bear seeing you with her on your happy adventures together.

I’ll admit that I wanted more from you despite the fact that I had built a life with A’. There was something missing in my life. I look back on my saved messages and I see what a needy person I was. I sent you messages still with no replies or the fact that they are not read. Am I blocked?…more than likely, yes. I had to sever tie and I un-friended you.

Whatever. What’s done is done.

I still send you messages in hopes that maybe one day, you’ll be curious and read them. I hope to run into you to say hi. I still hope that maybe we’ll get to hang out again. I don’t know. Maybe someday… But I do know that I still think of you, dream about you, send you mental messages of my longing for you.

You’ll always be my favorite “What If…” I hope that maybe in the next life, you’ll choose me and it’ll be only me because I know it’ll be only you and I promise to be faithful, dedicated, and loyal.

I miss you beyond words, David. I miss you oceans. I only wish you knew how much, my muse, my lost Byronic hero.

Until then,

I remain yours,

N.