H,
I only wish I had the courage to tell you what I feel so deeply in my soul. So deeply that it feels that my life stands still when you’re not around. We haven’t know each other for very long but my connection to you was instant. The first night I saw you I knew I wanted you; beyond the physical, beyond the status…I wanted YOU, the true you that you don’t let anyone else close enough to see. And I thought you wanted me too…After we met, I thought I was dreaming. I had waited my whole life for you and I knew you were it for me. But of course it couldn’t be that simple…of course you wouldn’t want the same thing. You wanted sex and I wanted ‘more’. I wanted so much more that some days the thought of you not wanting that too felt like falling off of a 10 story building with no ground to catch you. A continuous fall…When you were in my bed, I dreamed of you rolling over and telling me you wanted me and not just my body but ME. Not just this joke we call “casual” but an all consuming love. I wanted that; I WANT that. But you cannot force something on someone that they don’t want. So as I sit here with 10,000 holes in my heart, I still think of you and I wonder if I’ll ever NOT think of you. I wonder if anyone will ever come along that I won’t compare to you. But most importantly, I wonder when I will stop letting you use me, stop letting you use my soul as your battle ground. So i’ll keep wondering until the pain is dull and calm, but today it is an ocean.

C