“It was good while it lasted.” Who would’ve thought that the relationship we once shared can now be summed up in just 6 words?
I still remember the first time I heard about you. I was in Hong Kong on a cold January evening visiting my friends, when they mentioned your name. Seems interesting, I said. Little did I know that I was about to be taught some of the most important lessons I had so stubbornly refused to comprehend my whole life.
It had been one hell of a ride from that first Hi, to getting to know you, seeing the goodness behind your imperfections, falling in love with you, building plans with you up to that very last goodbye. It was not easy, difficult would be an understatement. For days, I cried myself to sleep…finding comfort from my family, a few good friends, my pillow and my God. They silently cried with me as they watched me endure the pain. They knew that at that moment, no amount of words could ease my agony. Such are the days I wouldn’t wish anyone to go through. From there, I also decided that I couldn’t let myself be broken for so long. I had to gather my strength and pick myself up. So I made the choice on how much pain I would only allow you to cause me…when enough, is enough.
All the pain was worth it. By losing you, I found parts of myself I never knew existed.
I have discovered that deep within my soul, I am a good woman. I thought I was just a selfish, spoiled brat who would get back at anyone who would hurt and disappoint me. But when you did (and boy that was one of the most painful experiences I’ve had in my life), I was surprised with myself that I couldn’t even curse you. Instead, I thanked God for saving me from the future miseries that you might bring me had I married you. I learned to be grateful for the fact that our relationship did not work out before we made the vow…imagine what would have happened to me or our future child. A broken engagement is definitely far better than a broken marriage.
I have witnessed how powerful the mind is. For years, I’ve studied how it works. I should’ve known that it could really shape a destiny. While we were still together, I should’ve been wise enough to eliminate the negative thoughts in my head before they became my words. There were times when I would intentionally push you to your wits just to see how you would react, to test your character. I imagined that if our relationship was about to be doomed, I’d be the first one to walk away because I was afraid to be left behind. Over and over, I would play in mind how we would go our separate ways. That I would end it clean and end it well. I admit I was even more upset that it did not end the way I wanted. It should not have been ugly and harsh. Nevertheless, it did end just as I had incessantly made myself believe it would.
I have never expected that my heart could withstand that kind of suffering. To feel it being pounded into dust, to have it crushed inside my body and feel the broken edges cut through my whole being…while still holding on to that little glimmer of hope that eventually, it would heal and love again. I discovered how pure my heart is. That it could actually, enduringly love someone else despite of myself. Disregarding the opinions of everyone else, ignoring the red flags…without hesitation, without pride. I realized that this is what I truly am…this is how I was made…how I deeply love which could both be a blessing and a bittersweet curse. Sometimes I’d wonder how someone could live and not love like that. I have come to terms that it could be different for a lot of people and remembered that I was also once guilty of loving less.
I have found in me a different kind of courage. The courage to keep myself from breaking down as I watched you parading your flings and enjoying your life right after the breakup…without looking back, without any remorse. The courage to keep my silence as your circle so loudly and so eagerly tarnished my name with lies. The courage to wait for the right moment to speak up calmly and decently, then quiet them down. I finally found the courage to dig deep down to the roots of my bitterness which caused me to ruin my past relationships. I had buried them too long and too deep, I thought I could be rid of them. I didn’t realize those toxins were so powerful they would start seeping to the surface causing even more nasty heartaches. I learned the hard way that I needed to release all my anger and my trust issues once and for all as I will never be strong enough to contain them. I had to forgive the people who hurt me. I had to forgive myself. I had to go out of my way to forgive you, for the apology I never got…so I could be free.
I have learned to appreciate the little things even more. From the free parking slot though I was already an hour late, the long distance calls to check how I was coping up, my favorite food a cousin prepared so I could eat again, the beer my mother bought so I could enjoy the night, the surprise birthday dinner just to put a smile on my face, to the free plane tickets by a friend for they know it is pricey when I do my soul-searching (again). I was reminded that I am indeed surrounded by love and will always, always have a strong support system. Cliché as it may sound, my value did not decrease just because of someone else’s inability to see my worth.
I have stood the test of faith. My greatest fear is to grow old alone. I learned not to entertain that fear anymore. It was one of the reasons why my visions had been clouded, why I had jumped from one wrong decision to another. Why I had been so careless. I am now working on my patience. I need to learn to wait and trust in His timing. I accepted the fact that I am no longer in control. I will let Him do the works for me. He knows I have done everything I can. He knows I have endured enough pain and learned the lessons that would last a lifetime. He knows my heart. He knows that though it had been shattered too many times, it has come out more cleansed and more beautiful after it fought hard to put its pieces back together. He knows that it is tough but fragile, reluctant but pure and stubborn but faithful, all at the same time. He knows with whom it fits and He will send him to me at the right moment and at the right place…every detail according to His plan.
Imagine how much heartbreak I could’ve saved myself from, had I known then what I know now. But then again, I have no regrets. I am at peace. It was a nice chapter that just had to end to prepare me for the best one yet.
It was good while it lasted.
– KM
3/23/16