Dear LdL

It all started as a mistake, I saw you looking at me at your work function, I was not interested, you kissed me, I was inebriated and totally forgot that it happened and what you looked like. You left for a work function that week, I didn’t think about you at all till Jann reminded me what had happened. You got the chicken Pox and could not see me till you were better.

I only came to see who it was that Jann kept referring to, this amazing girl that liked me. You cooked us past a, I hate past but I ate it, I admit when you opened the door that night of our first date I was disappointed as I remember telling myself to stay away from you because I did not find you attractive before I had too many drinks that fateful night.

We were together for 9 years, we have been a part from one another for 6 months and 2 weeks. Each day I am haunted by thoughts of you, each night I go to sleep you are in my dreams, I have not had an ounce of peace from the ghost of you!

I’m seeing a beautiful woman currently but it’s not working out because of what I had with you. You were so different at the beginning to who you are now, so giving, so clever, so gentle with my feelings. You are not that a anymore, It feels as though the person you really are and probably always were would not have made it past 1 week with me, You put your best foot forward for 2 whole years and I fell head over heels in love with you.

Pilgrims rest , St Lucia , India, Drakensberg Inkhunzi Hut, Krugerpark every year , Drakensberg again , Clarens and Lesotho , Drakensberg again , Nieu Bethesda and Sedgefield Wilderness, Drakenberg Again. All our holidays together over the past nine years , I dread this December, I have not been alone over a holiday period as I have been with you for a quarter of my life and I don’t know what it’s like to be alone on Christmas day.

You cheated with other men , you deny it but I know you cheated, I caught you before we went on our last holiday together , you didn’t even remember that I saw what you did with that fat blonde guy at your work, you asked me to come and pick you up and you were so drunk you did not even recognise me (Who Are You you said , I’m your Husband I replied) .I had to tell you what you did the next day while you were nursing a hangover, all you said was sorry that must have been painful to see. I asked you to talk to me, I forgave you I wanted us to work. Stupid me, love can make you blind and deaf and dumb.

Three months later and once again you come home from work drunk and tell me you no longer love me, you swear at me till I leave with no more than the clothes on my back, leaving behind the only family I had, you my dogs and cats. I tried to speak to you the next day, you could not even look me in the eyes, you lied to me about everything from the beginning to the end, and I don’t even know if you were real. Telling me I could see my dogs when I wanted and then not letting me see them, telling me that you need time to think and then totally cutting me out of your life. I asked you for closure and I only got more lies , sorry I’m in a meeting , I’m going to my moms , I’m texting my mom while I’m in bed at 9 at night , I’m texting work colleagues at 2 in the morning, I love you, I miss you, all lies thousands of lies.

In so many ways I have moved on, but the pain I feel on a daily basis and the persistent thoughts of you are exhausting, you are not the most beautiful woman I have ever seen not that mattered, eventually you were my world and the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Forgetting the time we spent together, the fun we had, the experiences the pure love I had for you is like saying it wasn’t real. Completely moving on is all I want for myself, I want to forgive you but I can’t. I want to forget but I cant.I want you to speak with me but you won’t wish you could just say to me it all going to be Ok one last time but you cant.

Jason