Dear S,
I am not sure how I got here but I felt I had to write this. It feels silly but do I care anymore? No. I can’t remember at what point we drifted apart, at what point we were not on the same page anymore. Maybe we rushed things or maybe our priorities changed. I don’t know, whatever it is, I just look back at us now and think of it as a lie. I don’t think that you were in love with me, probably you were just obsessed with me and too afraid to let me go. Thinking of it, let me tell you that it was very selfish. When things got bad between us, you could see me deteriorating. You realized that I was dying inside and torturing myself mentally every other day. But what did you do, you chose to ignore me. You chose to distance yourself because you were not prepared to deal with me or my sadness. You didn’t leave me, but neither did you ever keep me. And that, so far has been the worst few months of my life. April 2017, I was diagnosed with major depression disorder. I did not know if I had to help myself first or help fix this relationship. You never contributed with the latter. And so my health got even worse, cause now I was not only in a battle with myself but I was also in a battle with us. I stayed up innumerable nights asking myself and wondering that how could you not see me drowning? if you did care as much as you say you do, where were you when I needed you the most? I convinced myself that somewhere it was me, my fault to have been nagging you all the time. And these thoughts just went on and on in a loop, until very recently I realized that you were never worth my energy at all ever since day one. It took me year to think, analyze and understand after our break up wether I actually even knew you. And the truth is, I didn’t. But now I do. And hell, I know you much better than you even know yourself. Wherever you are right now and whatever you are doing, I just want you to know that you have made someone scared of falling in love again. And I really hope that someone someday does it to you. Where you will be so confused with all these unanswered questions, all these doubts that will drive you crazy for the years following. I wish I could give you all the luck in world and hoped to have you move on in peace. But however forgiving I may be, you broke me in the most inhumane way. Words that I cannot even type right now and memories I cannot even go back to. It hurts to even think to be mishandled this way. What you did, is immoral, its wrong. I will let go someday and I will move on in a happier place but what will haunt you is your guilt to not have nurtured and taken care of the person who at once had fallen in love with you more than she ever loved herself. Best, S.