Hey, beasty…

It’s been 2 months, 12 days 2 hours 45 minutes and 30 seconds facing everyday without you… And I still wake up at 3 am with the same question on my mind… “What went wrong?”
July 05 2017, I will never regret the day I received your FR on fb, a fake I.D came to my real world knocking… I remember the times when I was frankly rejecting ur thoughts, my random insults and sarcasm teased your ego to stay, and I was mesmerized by ur presence, u became my favorite notification… Till then I know I’m a bored button on ur side and I expected you’d be gone but u break the wall and you let me know who you really are, In a split second… A stranger meant the world to me. Late night talks till 3 am… Sneaking from mom… Midnight snacks… Favorites, real life struggles and dark fantasies shared felt like we grew up together. Miles, timezones and state codes insists how we can’t offer the world for each other… But we made sure we’re the only persons in it. And so my world began to revolve around your axis.
2 months passed and my cardiomyopathy hindered me, I expected you to leave the sooner but you stayed… Check ups… Unending meds and painful treatments… You’re there for me for better and for worse… We became each others source of strength, you accepted the amount of craziness I have and live with it 🙂 we became like dirt for each other that one can’t remove. One time I asked u why do you love me so much and u said “You are my bestfriend, my enemy, my better half, you gave me no reason not to love you.” it was just words… But through difficult times apart having our own battles and being there for each other… You’ve proved it. I’m the girl you’ll never break up with…. we are each others source of strength, Beasty and panda.
I usually talk to the moon and thank him for giving you to me… He saw me crying for joy, laughing with u, so thankful for having someone who’s my Bestfriend, my dad, my enemy, my cardiologist at times and my betterhalf all in one body. Months passed and he began watching me cry… For missing you, thru times when I’m waiting for u till 3am to be online… When I suddenly wake up at dawn waiting for a message days became weeks waiting for ur call… I then continue share how my life is going hoping to hear from u, I respect that we have our own battles to fight and waited For that resume button to be pushed, cause u said “even if we’re enemies we will never break up” just to wake up one day… I was banned from ur life without a reason…
Painful goodbyes are the ones unexplained… And To be loved by you felt like I’m on the top of the world where you encouraged me to be at, and only to be left behind… now I’m afraid to look down… To look back to who I was… You changed me to be a better version and you left… “didn’t you like what u see?” “was I never enough?” “what did I do wrong?” questions that never received an answer… It was the most painful new year of my life… Having to start losing hope… losing you…

For 2 months Ive stopped everything… Opening my account… Seeing my cardio… My friends, I was lost… There are times when Im alone and I listen to songs I usually sing for you… And u for me… Times when I’m traveling and I see you… I saw myself how happy I am when ur still with me…
That girl’s pathetic but that was me… And you fell… And unloved… Suddenly
U always used to tell me that I’m forgiving… That I have a heart of gold… That we are perfect for each other… And ours will prevail thru time…
What happened?…
If kicking me out of your life would make u happy, u should have break my heart some more so I could finally let go, Cause my heart no matter how weak… Always remember what my mind is trying to forget…

Now I dnt know how to begin… Believe me I’ve been trying… But tears keep on falling, I can’t delete ur photos… Our chatbox… Our memories
I’m still waiting for that message that will never come…
But I know… I have to be strong just like how you want me to be… Cause now it’s the only choice I have.
You were never just a chapter in my story… You will always be part of every book I’m going to start I can’t unlove you…
I’m not ready to turn the page yet baby… But I’m ready to accept an apology I never got…
For myself… Cause it hurts even more to wake up every day just to be reminded that you’re never coming back… It hurts more than anything that bleeds…
Love never keep records of wrongs…
And I know no matter where you are, or who you’re with or what you’re doing… I will always honestly, completely… Truly love you, Beasty…

Panda