This is a letter to my ex-lover. I say ex-lover because I never got the privilege to publicly call you mine. Where do I begin? The day I met you, my heart was unprepared. It’s crazy because I had a crush on you from a distance, you were/are taken, and there are things in both of our lives that made “us” quite impossible. Inevitably, my feelings and emotions erupted, and all I knew was I had to get to know you better. I believe that both of us naturally opened up to each other. From the first day we started talking after basketball season, my heart knew something that my head wasn’t aware of yet. Every time I received a message from you, my heart reacted by pumping quick, rich, thick heart beats. I wasn’t used to this kind of biology. The science of love. I remember one time you asked me “why don’t you ever eat around me?” To which I responded, “I honestly don’t know! I just always feel so full around you.” To my first love, I hope you experience that with your lifetime lover; the sensation where simply just being around that person makes your heart so full that nothing else matters. And one day you’ll be able to conclude, it’s most likely because they fill the deepest parts of you.

One thing that was a difficult barrier between us, was our evident age gap of 11.5 years. I am the younger one. It was easier to admire you, look up to you, be inspired by you, but at the same time, be so totally enamored with you. I never knew how it felt from your side to be the older one; all I knew, was that you didn’t like it. I didn’t know how much flack you would receive for romantically caring about someone my age if we had went public. But, I reminisce on the time when you asked me: “If things were different, and I was single, and you were independent, would you be with me?” I made you answer the question first. To which you responded “yes I would.” And then it was my turn to answer, I responded “if the world was different.” But conclusively I responded “no.” I was scared. I was scared of having so much feelings for you, and how much control I felt you had over me, and how I would do anything in the world to make you happy. Despite all of those overwhelming emotions, at the end of the day you weren’t even mine. That’s where fear seeped into the cracks of my love for you. We eventually talked about marriage, when you asked me “are you going to marry me?” I answered by asking you to “go steady with me?” You said “We can date when we are married.” Later on in that conversation you revealed that I would be a beautiful bride and you were “kind of jealous of who I get to walk down the aisle to.” So, I guess this is where the letter actually begins…

Not too long after that conversation, maybe a couple weeks, I ended things with you. I started to become jealous, not talking to you became unbearable, not seeing you as often began to slowly make me anxious, and ultimately, I couldn’t ignore that there was someone else. You had a girlfriend who you were starting to build a life with. And, I didn’t want to stay long enough to become an afterthought. It’s not that you weren’t making me feel good, making me feel happy, making me feel blessed to be in your life. I just felt like I needed/wanted all of you, and permission to love you to the best of my abilities. But, you didn’t trust me because you always said that I blow with the wind. One day I’ll want to be with you, and the next day I might change my mind. I would agree that I gave you every reason to feel like you couldn’t put your future in my hands. That is my biggest regret. I wish I could have reassured you from the beginning. Yet, Is it true that I felt I could love you better than the person who you were already with? Undoubtedly: Not because I don’t think she loves you, I just don’t believe anyone could possibly love you as much as I do.
If I had the chance to call you mine, we would not have dated too much longer. We talked for about 4.5 months, and I would have only given it at max another 6 months. If you didn’t already beat me to the punch, I would have asked you to go hiking with me. Your family and close friends would already be up there at the peak. Someone would be recording, and as cliché as it is, I would propose at the top. The hike would be to represent how far we’ve come, and how much we’ve worked to get where we are at, despite all our multiple “breakups”/mini arguments about age and any other trivial disagreements: The mountain top and beautiful view is a result of us working our way up with each other side by side. The hike gets hard, tiring, and sometimes I’m sure we would have wanted to give up, BUT the view is always worth it. The difference is… my mountain top wouldn’t be literal…it would be you. When we reached the top, I would have gotten down on one knee for you and said these words:
“Baby, this is the posture of surrender, and I’m surrendering my heart to you. From the moment I met you, and I’ve told you this, I wanted you. And I wanted you bad. There has always been something about you that drives me absolutely crazy. I’m addicted to you, your love, your beauty, and the things you do. *Pulls out ring* when I think of my future, there is no one else I could imagine loving every single day for the rest of my life. This ring doesn’t promise happiness, love and laughter. The only thing it promises is time. So, I’m on my knees, begging you Bubs…Give me the time to love you in every kind of way possible. Will you be mine forever?

That would have set the ball in motion, and we would have gotten married not too long after, (despite the age difference, possibly family disagreements, and any another outside factors posed against “us.”) Because at the end of the day, it would have just been me and you. In a couple years I would have given you children, at least two(possibly more) and we would have been a close knit family. Story times, I would have attempted to make dinner, we would have a date at least once a week to keep love alive, and we would have had a good life.
But this could have only happened if I had the chance..part of me hopes that life will pull us back together and we come back stronger than we were before, because honestly, I don’t want anyone else. Loving someone can sometimes be hard, but despite that..you seemed to make it so easy.

Bubs, mi corazon, mi nena, baby, babe, I genuinely love the person you are. You are my first love. You are the reason I believe in love because I never knew I was capable of the sacrificial love I had for you. I miss you. I feel like I can only imagine us together, but that’s not enough. Imagining doesn’t create a life together. I am happy we are still friends. But I want the chance, to be your lover again. You’re only lover.

With love,

SL