Dear Ed,

I’m just hoping you’re doing well. I had to write this letter because it is almost 4 months since we broke up. It was only 4 months I was with you. I’m moving on, but I don’t think it’s going fast enough. I do all those new activities to move past it. I started therapy, but it didn’t really work out. I just needed to talk to someone and after I did that, therapy started to irritate me, so I just had to stop. Despite that, I’m feeling stronger, I have this constant urge to break past my limits, to leave my past and anxiety behind. I work out. I work hard. I’m trying to become a person I always wanted to be. I’m doing that surprisingly well. I still have dark thoughts, but it happens like once or two times a month. I’m in control.

I believe this was the reason why we broke up. I was just a volatile mess back then and it was just too much for you. You were not strong enough to handle this chaos in my head. I know you had to hide our relationship from the entire world, so at least you had to have a strong, intelligent man beside you. And I was not. My mind was playing this broken record that one day you will just leave me. When I visited you, it was both heaven and hell to me. I was happy and terrified at the same time. My anxiety was just overwhelming. It controlled me so much, I couldn’t even do simple tasks properly and you saw it. I felt judged, even you probably didn’t do it. I tried to fight it, but I couldn’t. I was ashamed of who I was and what I liked, which is ridiculous. So I tried to make you like me, at any cost. I attempted to rebuild myself from ground zero, to become a better man, which you would like. I should have done this for myself, not for you, but I did it for you. And it made matters worse, I know. And when I went home, the worst happened.

When you decided to slowly part ways, my mind entered some kind of dream-like state. Confidence and self-esteem that I can slowly become strong, mature and self-dependent man were replaced by paralyzing fear and panic. I couldn’t stop writing to you, even when you asked me to stop. One day I was confident that I could give you space you asked and another loneliness would just come back and I would relapse and write you ton of messages again. It made me feel sick of myself, but I just couldn’t stop. I know why. I attached my entire world to you. At that time, you were everything to me and nothing else mattered, not even my own well-being and healthy mind. And you were fading away. I couldn’t stand that idea. I tried everything to get you back, even the craziest things, like pretending to be someone else and write you, just to trick you back into the relationship. It was horrible. I felt sick of myself when I did it, but there was no going back. I knew you will know it was me, it was way too obvious. I’m not good at it as I never really wanted to do it.

Your friend was right about me, my behavior was simply horrible. I acted like a complete manipulative jerk and a fool. I indeed was a hot pile of volatile shit, which could explode at any moment. That evening, I knew that I went too far. I cried for hours. I knew that I blew it for good. I knew that I lost you forever and I will have no chance to justify what I’ve done, not only because you blocked me everywhere, but because I just couldn’t. I knew I had to stop, start to look elsewhere and just begin to be a man I initially wanted to be. So I did. I relapsed a few times, I tried to contact you and I’m sorry about that. I don’t think this will ever happen again, because I feel guilt, shame and sadness.

I know our relationship was not one-way street. You were too cold, egocentric and harsh. But I thought it’s because it’s not easy to be in your position, so far away from home. I looked past it. I tried to find your inner peace. And you truly had it, I saw it and it was most beautiful thing I felt. I felt loved. I felt like someone cares about me and I can care for someone else. Maybe that’s why it was so painful for me to lose it all so suddenly. You didn’t even call, you avoided me like hell. I was not ready, even though if I always anticipated it.

I was ready to give it my all for you. But probably that has to be someone else. It was my first serious relationship and I did all the worst mistakes that could be done. I know that I may sound too harsh on myself, but it’s true. We both made huge mistakes. Maybe it would have worked out if we would have met like three years later. But this world shouldn’t be built on ‘what-ifs’.

I’m sorry if I scared you, I’m sorry you had to see me like this. I’m sorry we both didn’t have the patience for each other. I’m sorry we both were not strong enough in our own way. I hope you will achieve all your dreams and you will be genuinely happy. I hope to see you one day. And I hope that before then I will manage to right myself and I will find happiness. But not in someone else.

In myself.

I wish you all the best,
Justin