I don’t really know what to say to be honest because every time I’d want to say something to you, you’d just shoot me down so there’d be no point in me even speaking. But now I have the pen and paper and you can’t talk over me.

I am still angry with you and I probably always will be. What we had was one in a fucking million.

You know what? When I tell myself that, I respond with no – I deserve much better, someone who will treat me with kindness and respect. But the problem was I wanted you. And a part of me still does and maybe always will. I wanted a future with you. I wanted your parents to know about us. I wanted to be public with you so we wouldn’t have to hide it. I wanted to go on life’s daring adventures with you. I liked being with you, when you weren’t uncontrollably narcissistic and rageful. We had such a long history together I thought that would be enough for you to pull your head in and treat me right. I thought our relationship and friendship meant something to you. I am not saying I never did anything wrong but nothing to deserve the abuse you hurled on me. And if I did anything wrong or upset I always apologised and you know that. Yet if I do something that upsets you now and you slander me, do I get an apology? I only get more ear bashing.

Oftentimes I am completely confounded with how you can let us go, how you can let us fall apart the way we have. I mustn’t have meant much to you at all and that does hurt me. I would move mountains to restore peace and harmony with any one of my friends or family and I tried so hard to keep that between us, but time after time after time after time after time you kept destroying us to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. You made me reach my breaking point. Congratulations.

Why you didn’t even want to remain civilised afterwards is beyond me. You must have some serious self-esteem and insecurity issues if you are willing to let our long relationship die for the sake of your ego. I really think you need a hell of a lot of growing up and therapy to do, but sadly I don’t think you will do either. I think you will become a Gloria Swanson type figure – a bitter hardened old woman throwing whiskey bottles at whoever you’re with you’ve managed to rope in at the time. I’d like to think every now and then you might stop and think “maybe he did really care about me. Maybe I should have treated him better.” But that’s up to you. I hope you will be okay and I hope one day you will find happiness and contentment within yourself, because you won’t get it from anyone but yourself. I think you fail to realise that at the moment.

Cookie