To you,
the person I thought was the answer to my prayers. the one who seemed to come out of nowhere to mend my heartbreak and be my everything. It was you, and your smile said it all, your face lit up and your eyes sparkled, when you looked at me, and I remember seeing that smile in my dreams and in my reality. It was such a sweet smile, one I’ll miss, for a time.
It was fate. I knew it was. For a person like you to walk into my life seemed uncanny. You understood my situation and I didn’t judge yours. You were a recovering drug addict and I was the sister of an addict who had been through years of hell. I thought maybe I should’ve walked away when you told me, but you smiled with your eyes and I saw potential with you. I saw love. I, more than anyone, did not judge you for your past. I believed you were a human being who deserved all the love and happiness in the world and I couldn’t risk not taking a chance on you because if you could’ve been the love of my life, I would’ve never known.
But now I know.
things changed so quickly when we became official. you seemed to become flighty and not communicate plans with me so often I started to believe that I could no longer count on you. you took longer to respond to my texts, had a harder time scheduling dates with you. I didn’t know what was going on but I still tried to be there for you when I could. I dropped what I was doing to run and be by your side. Bu when I need you most, you didn’t do the same. And what hurts so much is that literally no one wants to do for me what I do for them. You claim that you did, but I don’t think you did.
Instead when I confronted you about it, you twisted and manipulated the entire situation. It was so frustrating and heartbreaking how cruel you were and how easily you let me walk away. All I wanted was validation from you for the way I felt but you were so filled with pride and so selfish you refused to see my side of things, Whenever I confronted you, immediately you got toxic and went into drug addict mode, a mode I know all too well from my sister. I saw through your manipulation and cruelness straight off the bat. It may have worked for another woman who knows nothing about addiction but I know too much, so you lose points. You’ve lost me forever.
But you think it was I who lost you. And I did. I did lose you and that sucks. But in the long run, you’ll see that you lost so much more than I did.
You’ll see that no one will ever give enough of a shit about you to make sure you’re okay. that I would’ve done anything to make you happy. I don’t know, maybe you’re way too selfish to see that any time soon. But some day you will.
I chose to walk away from you because I know I deserve better. I deserve someone who will be prompt and not leave me hanging. I deserve someone who can hold a conversation without blowing up. And most importantly, I deserve someone who will drop anything and everything without me having to ask in order to be there for me in my darkest moments.
I deserve so much more than the crap you put me through.
You said that you were in love with and prayed for a beautiful, altruistic woman like me. You said I was the light at the end of a dark tunnel, and that I helped you be a better man. You said you want to spend the rest of your life waking up next to me. You said I was your person. An angel. Someone who had done things for you that no one before had ever done for you. You said I was faithful, your rock, and that I was sent to save you, and that you never ever wanted to lose me, “I would never ever do anything to hurt you”, you said. You didn’t mean it. You only meant all of that when I didn’t call you out on anything, but once I did, you had this other side to you that was toxic and just so negative.
I know you blame me for everything. But truth be told, I take little responsibility.
I’m so broken right now, the pain comes in waves. I wanted you so bad. I wanted you more than anything. I wanted to love you and I saw myself loving you, but you didn’t let me. You were too defensive, unwilling to give your pride up, you believed you gave me absolutely everything but that must be the narcissist in you.
Everything is never enough if you can’t give the emotional support.
I guess you don’t get that and the sad part is I can’t change your mind. Because if I could, I would still have you. But I had no choice to let you go. I don’t regret that I did but I’m devastated that I had too.
And I know you think I’m a greedy, needy, problem starting bitch, I can hear it coming from your mouth right now, it explains why you blocked me on social media less than 24 hours after the breakup and most likely blocked my number (don’t worry, I’m not going to contact you).
Maybe in another life, you could’ve been mine and we would’ve been happy. I know this because I saw it. But there was too much damage there, too much devastation, too much heartbreak to keep the relationship growing. It hurts.
I know you were so heartless in the breakup to act like you don’t care that I’m leaving. You said you never wanted to lose me but at the end of the day, when it came down to fighting for the relationship, you decided to fight me instead.
Maybe I’m partly to blame, but I won’t take blame for the way I felt and how I expressed it. I’m not like other women you’ve known and I’m not like any other you will meet.
I wish you the best, I really do, and I wish we could’ve been together, but not all wishes come true. I hope you find your peace, I hope you work your issues out. I hope you find happiness. I’m sorry that wasn’t me.
I know love isn’t easy, but genuine love is worth the fight. Toxic love is not.
You said you hope I find someone who loves me as much as you did, I know it was you being sarcastic meaning I would never find someone who loves me as much as you did, but I know that’s not true.
I know I’ll find that person someday. He’s out there. I know he is.
I’m emotionally devastated and heartbroken today, but one day I won’t be.
I don’t need luck because I have my strength.
I know who I am and I know I will survive this.
I got this.
I am strong and I am me. I won’t lose sight of that.