Dear E, 

10 years later and I hate that I still hate you. I  prefer not to hate anyone, but I make an exception for you. I never did love you. I only said I did because I was young, naive, and scared of you. I still remember the first time you hit me. You were so immature and careless that you did it in public. Some random concerned person called the police to help me, but they did nothing. I chose to forgive you until you hit me again. I quickly lost count of how many times it happened or why you chose to beat me. We were just kids, but you turned into the man that used to abuse you. You even beat me in front of your family, they never did stop you. Maybe they were just as terrified of you as I was.

I remember the day I had the courage to tell you I didn’t want to be with you anymore, because you hurt me. You couldn’t accept that, so you verbally and physically assaulted me. I fought back this time, until I couldn’t anymore, until you overpowered me. That’s when you raped me. I couldn’t believe what was happening to me. Tears streamed down my face as I closed my eyes, desperately waiting for it to be over. You wiped my tears and told me you did it because you loved me. I laid in that bed all night next to you, completely numb, lifeless almost, and changed forever. No one came to rescue me and I believed no one ever would. My bruises & emotional pain continued to go unnoticed. Some days I thought I deserved this type of love from someone. Other days I did what I had to, to survive.

You knew exactly what to do and say to control me. I never respected you I simply feared you, feared what you would do to me and to my family. You managed to manipulate them too. The more you abused me physically, emotionally, and sexually, the more power you took from me. But one day, I had a revelation, a divine I left you that day and never turned back. You tried to manipulate me into being with you, abused by you again, but I didn’t fall for your lies this time. You no longer had your power over me, and eventually stopped trying. I’ve always feared and carried guilt of how many girls and women you may have abused after me. For ten years I hated you, ignored my trauma, questioned my worth, questioned what loves was, I wanted to die, and didn’t trust anyone. I also began healing, learning to love and forgive myself, and recognizing the good in people again.

After ten years, I’m still unsure if I’ll ever stop hating you or forgive you. What I am sure of, because of what you put me through, I found a strength I never knew existed in me. That strength gets stronger every single day.