Dear M, 

I wish we could communicate not in words but through presence. There are limitation of language and words, and to express something as vivid and as multidimensional as my feelings to you is not possible in language. But, the irony is there isn’t any other way around it.

Intention: At the outset i would really like to make things very clear for both of us why this letter made sense.  Why it is better to have an attempt at closure than not.   you see, life is short.  It really is very short.  Last night i dreamt of meeting all my classmates in a dream reunion party, and all of us just went on discussing how fast things went by, how it was more like a treadmill which malfunctioned and took us running along inspite most us wanted to stop and stay at some point.  extrapolating this further, i could be right now in my death bed and looking back at and asking myself what if i had written you a letter a couple of years after we broke up. What if, I didn’t have to carry this weight on my chest for so long for no reason, What if i get a chance to write my heart out to you but alas now ! i couldn’t because now i am on this ventilator and incapacitated and probably in a very bad state, but definitely not dead or on anestesia; cus you should know that one doesn’t think really so much on that either. 

All i could do now is just look back at the moments of my life, relive the highlights once again cus that would be worthwhile in this situation, and when i visit hat moment in time when we sat on that damn hill, I wish i could hold you give you a kiss and say goodbye and thank you!, i still recall the last hug we gave each other at the airport.  I wish that moment stopped but i didn’t and it wouldn’t ever when i wanted it to stop.

I am sure i would be forgiven by you to write to you,
I am sure i would be forgiven by everyone else in my life to write to you,but most importantly I am sure in that situation i would not feel guilty or awkward in writing to you; a woman with whom i once i had an extra marital affair with.

to be continued….