When I was driving to your house I had a feeling it would end but I didn’t believe it. It wasn’t real yet. Maybe I was tired from only sleeping two hours the night before because I was thinking of how I would word our conversatIon. I didn’t say it how I had practiced it by the way, I love you too much to be rude in real life. Maybe it wasn’t real yet because I was drivIng to you so early in the morning. Maybe I was in denial. Either way when it was finally said that you would feel better without me I felt lIke my soul left my body. I felt a painful emptiness where my heart was. My throat closed and burned because I had to cry but I really didn’t want to. I didn’t want to make you feel sad. I heard what you said but I could not imagine a future wIthout you in that moment. I still can’t. 

I hoped it would be like the other times where we would take back our threats of leaving the other by the end of the conversation. Even now I’m stIll hoping we take them back today. I do not know what to do without you. I know it is cheesy but I honestly feel like you were the other half of me. Anything I felt I would tell you. Anything I wanted you would help me get. Any time I was having fun you would be there. 

I know having you slowly leave my life is goIng to be incredibly painful and I honestly do not even know how I will make it through this but I know I eventually will. I want to thank you for your years of support and love. I know we had our ups and downs but I can honestly say that my time spent with you is the happiest I’ve been. I know that towards the end we were distant but that was not either of our faults. 

If I’m being honest all I can think about right now is winning you back and being able to finally hold you agaIn. This time I wIll not take any moment with you for granted. Today I would space out and then I would realize that I had been day dreaming about giving you a back rub or waking up next to you at a beach house and then I am reminded that that we are over. That those moments will never come. 

I wish I never heard you say we could date in the future because I want you now. I know I need to gIve you space but it is so hard. I love you so much and I am reminded of you where ever I look. I have a bunch of photos of you in my room. My passwords was our anniversary that we were about to celebrate twice. I have your handmade gifts all around my room. My camera roll is only your face. You gave me back my shirt and then my room smelled like you. I’m trying to get rid of these reminders but it hurts so much because it shows that this isn’t one of our quIck breaks where I can just apologize and have you back again. I deleted almost all photos of you off of my camera roll so I couldn’t just stare at your perfect face like I would every night when we were dating. I know it would just make me suffer not being able to see it in person. 

I hope you miss me. I don’t want you to feel the pain I do but I want you think about winning me back. I want you to think about holding me close again. I try to do my sleep routine and think about you before drifting off but it feels wrong. Before I was happy that I could only imagine being with you romantically but now it’s my biggest weakness. Are you thinking about these things or are you just thinking about the outfit you will wear to the party? Are you thinking about how we were never able to really dance together and tonight would have been our only chance? I know I am. 

It feels so unfair. why couldn’t we waIt another day? I’ve been feeling this incredible need to kiss you for six months and I was too hesitant to do it. I didn’t want to pressure you again. I didn’t want to risk getting you sick. Maybe if I did it we would still be together. Maybe that would have kept you feeling close to me. As I am writing this I am imagining showing this to you when we get back together, like it is inevitable. I know I will think it is inevitable for a while. If I had known it would have ended so soon I wouldn’t have been a coward and I would have held you in the tent. I would have told you what you mean to me and kissed your forehead while you went to sleep but instead I stared at your back wondering if you would turn around and see me wanting to be with you. 

For months I was waiting for you to make the first move so I would not feel guilty and so I couldn’t convince myself that I was forcing you to do anything. God I want you back. I need you back. I can still feel your smooth skin. I can still taste your lips. I feel like I can smell you around me but I know it is just because I am wearing the shirt that you gave back to me. 

I hope you feel these things too. I hope you miss me. I hope you want to drive to me and tell me that we made a mistake and that you need me back now. But I know it wont happen. You are too strong-willed and I hate that i still love that about you. I know that these thoughts are just making it harder to move on but I can not push them away. The more I try to ignore them the more I think of them. It is so hard to not send this to you now. I feel lIke if you read it you might take me back but it could also push you away forever and I can’t risk that. I do not know what to feel. I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I miss you. I need you to miss me too.