Dear,

It has been more than two years now. I’m doing better, slowly getting back to my old pre-you self plus some improvements, a new job, new projects, some newfound wisdom and purpose in life.

For some reason however you started popping back in my mind. Maybe because I voiced some concern for your well-being to a friend during these strange times. Not being able to be close to your loved ones must be killing you. Even a loner like me is starting to feel the gap digging itself.

Or perhaps I’m wrong and I completely wrecked the you-I-knew before you left me? I hope not.
I dreamt of you the other night. I had to empty a house before being able to move in or something. It was messy but nothing I couldn’t deal with. The architecture seemed oddly familiar, but my mind eschers houses up worse than the Winchester House and this one was no exception.

As I stepped in, there you were, sitting on a couch, hunched over your phone. Your eyes met mine: “WTF are you doing here” you asked. “Coming to clean up my new house, WTF are YOU doing here?”, and so on and so forth. Some hostilities flew between us while we were working.

But then, you had your back turned, you stopped in your steps. I remember words burning my lips but not being able to get out. You turned around and uttered the words I’ve been longing to hear from you for so long: “I miss you.”

We hugged, then we kissed. And scene, stupid cat woke me up. 

I didn’t pay much heed to the dream itself; I’ve had way more epic stuff cooking in my sub-conscious before. It’s how I felt when I woke up: it felt like the weight of the world just flew away from my shoulders, and that this feeling was the reward for holding on for so long.

I had my doubts, you know. I had days where I woke up hating your guts for the things you said/did before and after you left me. I was never able to hate you for a full day though. This dumb edulcorated feeling always crept up in me when I thought of your smile and how you used to look at me like I was a million dollars.

I tried everything to get away from you, or rather get the thoughts of you away from me. I met new interesting people during that time. A few of them taught me a lot about myself, what I want and don’t want in life, and how to cope with loss. I saw the bottom of a few bottles as well to the point where I can now understand people who turn to this for comfort. Dulling the pain does feel good, but you know deep down it will return with a headache the next morning.

I completely erased myself from social media when I heard you had changed your relationship status. I still dreaded that moment even though I knew it was going on for a while. I don’t know why I did that; I guess I just didn’t have the heart to block/burn bridges with friends we had in common. Maybe I felt shame that I was not “good enough” for you, or for the things I said/did before and after you left. Many things were done ab irato on my end due to impulsivity and the overflowing emotions boiling inside me.

I mean, the last time we saw each other you were moving away and I had to take whatever stuff I still had at the place that was ours. If I could have just left it there I would have. I didn’t care anymore about it. It was tainted. So was the apartment. So were your friends helping you. I was dying inside. I know you noticed it. Don’t worry, I’m not angry about that, not anymore.

I left without saying goodbye to anyone, I couldn’t wait to get out of that place. I never told you the reason I left the apartment to you did I? Financially I couldn’t have held it 100%, that’s the pragmatic reason, probably the only one that mattered in the grand scheme of things. There was a second one. One day I came back from work and I noticed you started taking some of your things to bring them at your folks’ place. I looked throughout the apartment to take inventory of what you took. I drove myself crazy that night. Each missing item was a stab to my heart. It would have been a death by a thousand cuts. Few things missing each day until there were none. I can honestly say I wouldn’t have made it, I would have “deleted” myself had I stayed there. Thank you for not being a bitch when I said you could take the apartment. This is yet another thing I’ll always be grateful to you for. The last time that place felt like home was the last time we held each other.
Removing my presence from social media helped me figure out who was really there for me and who wasn’t. I also realized that people have their own problems and generally don’t give a fuck about me and mine, or that most friendships have an expiry date. Instead of going through my friend lists and selectively removing people I feel no attachment to, I preferred pulling the plug entirely, it felt easier this way. People I care about have my phone number and access to me anytime through it, old school. Seeing people’s lives being resumed to pictures, short paragraphs, thumbs up, etc. always felt cold and narcissistic to me anyway. Another benefit: I didn’t have to make friends choose between you and I, so we potentially avoided awkward situations. It did hurt me when one of our common friends didn’t seem to know how to act around me the last time I saw him. I can’t blame him after all, but I want no more of that if I can help it.

That post-dream feeling I mentioned ealier? I still love you, even after all that was said and done. Even after you laughed straight to my face the last time I said I loved you. Even if I have to acknowledge that you had an asshole lined up for when I would be gone. Even despite me telling you that this specific piece of shit was an obstacle to our relationship and you just shrugging it off.

I can live without you. There, I said it. I can be happy without you. But you know what? You’re the only person I imagined having a family with. You were not a slut, you had excellent taste in music, movies and video games, you were smart and I couldn’t help falling for you again and again. I felt good with you around, things seemed simpler. There were so many projects I wanted to have with you. I never really let go, even after all this time in silence. I’m trying my darndest to convince myself that you moved on the moment you stepped out the door. I wanted you to think everything was going well on my end, despite me losing my job and having to drop out because I couldn’t focus anymore. All I could think about was how we could get back together. 2 years later, and I can confirm I was a dumbass for spending so much energy in these thoughts and wasting precious time I’d never get back given the outcome.

I won’t try to justify it anymore. You said I’m the one who fucked up when I couldn’t find a job or follow you everywhere like a goddamn purse puppy. I had to let go of my individuality so I could fit into your image of ideal boyfriend. Man, was I afraid to end up doing what the guy before me did wrong, or to repeat the same pattern the rest of my family seems so keen on following. 

I can understand your ex’s point of view now. The difference being that he had the intelligence/balls to meet someone else before you got rid of him like you did with me. 
Did you think I would leave you for another girl like he did, so you “didn’t do the same mistake twice” by trying to weather the storm like you did with him? The simple possibility of you thinking that makes me sick. You were all I hoped for in a life partner, I knew you were not perfect, but I love(d) you. You were the only person on God’s green Earth I wanted to start a family with, and that says a lot.
I supposedly “failed” in your expectations even though I’m convinced that a lot of them came from other people. I won’t mention anyone specific, but some people really had their noses up in our business, and THAT was something that really got to me even when we were together. I didn’t say anything though, unless it went out of hand. I knew how important your inner circle was to you after all.

While I did consider most of them as my own family, as in they were very important people to me, I also had to mourn that I would never see them again so we could avoid the aforementioned awkwardness. I’m still trying to convince myself that they forgot all about me by now.
Heck, even my own friends distanced themselves from me because I was such a wreck at the time. Can’t say I blame them. Or was it me who started pushing them away? I’m not so sure anymore, doesn’t change a thing except making me feel like crap when I think about it.

Writing all this did a lot of good, finally letting this off my chest. You got your closure but I never really got mine after all. I wish we’d been able to argue from time to time, like any normal couple would, instead of accumulating frustration over frustration in fear of hurting the other’s feelings. The lack of waves made me think I was sailing tranquil waters. Credulity and inexperience, right? Thanks to you now, I know better.
I was trying so hard not to be my dad, not to be your ex, not to be a bad person, not to be a loner. I was walking in a minefield all along by doing so. I’m not as fucked up as you had me believe at the time. I was afraid to lose you, of that I’m guilty.

Through all this, I do miss you. I’d give anything to hold you in my arms again, like in my dream. It’s all in my head though. I can’t think for you, but I’m pretty certain you think of me as much as last week’s leftovers by now. I still feel like I owe you something and that you’ll come to collect eventually. I don’t know if it makes me feel happy, sad, scared, or angry. All I know is that it would only take a single sentence from you to send me in one of these four directions, and I promised myself I would never let someone hold so much power over me.

You taught me a lot and you really helped me survive some tough events. I still can’t believe you stuck around for me as I was going through them. I’ll always love you, not just because you helped me, but also because I had finally found someone worth loving. 
See you in a next life,

Yours,