To Sam;

From the very start you had your doubts about me and you weren’t wrong. But you weren’t right either. I remember when I saw your face for the very first time. I remember the look in your eyes. I wish I had told you, or maybe I did, but the thought that went through my head in those few seconds we greeted each other was “this girl is going to be mine.” But I couldn’t believe I had to train you to take over my job. My insecurities just got the best of me. Call it ego maybe, but the fact you hated me just killed me even if you had every reason to hate me but there was no way I was about to let you go like that. I knew that wasn’t the real me at all and I set out to prove it. I have never pursued any woman so persistently and stubbornly as I did with you. It took months for you to cave and it was on Christmas Day when you would turn out to become the love of my life.

My birthday this year without you here had me reflecting on the year before when you made me feel like the only man alive. I refused to speak to a single soul the whole day, lying here thinking about everything I gave away when I walked out of our home for good, leaving my girls behind. I miss my little bean bean every day and her little crazy eyes are still looking at me from the wallpaper picture on my phone. I hope she’s being good for you and she’s adjusted okay to me being gone. 

There is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, to change what’s already done. I spent so much time alone thinking about you, the choices I had made, trying to understand why. I really have no answers. All I know right now is how selfish and self centred I had been in choosing my dark side over us. It took a month for me to break down and cry—when I realized all I was doing was talking about how breaking up with you had affected me without ever considering how walking out of your life had affected you. The mere thought of you starting again after I trashed everything we wanted to build together killed me. I’m not assuming it has been difficult for you but I don’t know if it was easy either; it’s the fact I don’t know and possibly will never know that hurts the most. I think about you and Beenum all the time and I sincerely hope the two of you are okay. Even if you have moved on, I would be glad to know you’re doing better without me. I just wish I had understood I had everything I already needed right there in front of me. I miss cuddling with you at night, and I wish I wasn’t so damn grouchy about having to roll over and all you wanted was my love. I wish I could have been able to love myself so I could give you the love you deserve and more. I miss waking up in the morning to make us coffee and how you would come out of our bedroom with your beautiful smile, happy at the smell of fresh coffee as you go tapping to the kitchen with your arms straight out behind you like you’re pretending to be an airplane..

It’s the little things about you I miss the most. I know you might think I hate you, but I wish I could somehow just let you know my love, how much I sincerely miss you. I love you so very much and I always will. If only I could have showed it when I had all the time in the world with you. I just hope when I complete treatment, I can begin to make amends for all the pain I had wrought.

I love you beeb.

S.b