Life, can feel amazing
Life, at times, Can even feel brand new. 
Life, can also change in the blink of an eye, 
Leaving you trapped in it’s wake, 
In a state of distress,
Feeling unsure of who you are, 
Feeling uncertain of what to do.

How long must one suffer;
Before it becomes to much to endure? 
Misery seems to accompany me now in my everyday routines.
All the things I found happiness in,
Seem to be a delusion of grandeur. 

Heartache and let downs have broken my trust, 
Restless nights have become the norm.
Nightmares have become my new dreams. 
From the trauma and damage of all the loss and hurt  I’ve experienced;
Never getting the chance to right my wrongs, 
Never getting the chance to redeem. 

Change takes time, this I know 
But mine feels well overdue.
Yet, I can’t seem to shake this grief.
I try my best to practice patience.
But you can tell I’m yearning… 
You can see it in my eyes I long for the day.
When I can rest and let out a  sigh in relief. 

Can I find solace in letting go of the past;
Embrace the fact that my future is up to me? 
My mistakes are my own. 
So why do I cast blame? 
Why is it so hard to take accountability? 

Anxiety and overthinking are just a few of the many unwanted  traits I’ve come to know.
Losing myself as each days passes;
From this unwanted life I’ve acquired. 
But I’m told by many that this is part of the process one must undergo. 
Each day that passes  is never the same,  
The man in the mirror I see, I no longer know. 

Im hurt from all the randomness, chaos and instability. 
But I know in my heart it’s still me…
And the irony in this, is that;
To have my old self back is all i’ve ever wanted.
It’s rightfully mine, so why can’t it be? 

Is it wrong to want what was once mine back?
What once made me, well…“me?” 
What was once my essence,
Tell me, where did it go?
Why can’t I contain something only I’ve obtained?
Is this version of myself that I must come to know? 

I feel melancholy, I feel lost, I feel anger and confusion;
But emptiness is what I feel the most inside. 
Faced with the stigma of being a man with feelings.
Only makes you seem weak, crazy, or both.
So all these thoughts and feelings…
I have to hide. 

So I begin to remember a time…
A time when I was happy.

A time before I felt all this pain.
A time before all my shame.
A time before all my frustration
A time before all my heartache.
A time When I did the best I could, 
No matter the situation. 

A time in which I was decent man. 
A time of confidence and happiness.
A time when success always triumphed
No  matter the issue, 
When I always had a plan.

But reminded, I am, as reality sets back in, 
This is my life…
But it’s a life in which I feel so distraught.
I need to understand that these are just memories and feelings.  
In which I created to escape a life of sadness and hopelessness. 
I need to understand that these are just thoughts. 

But despite all my accomplishments, I still feel like a failure, 
It’s hard to stay positive, 
Even harder to keep it on the roll. 
I’m having such a hard time in my life right now.
Nothing is aligning or making sense, 
Nothing in my life feels like it’s in my control. 

I can feel myself sinking Into a state of mind,
Where I’m unable to see or make sense But I’m still aware. 
Unable to escape this darkness, Unable to escape this emptiness. 
Because all the pain has taken it’s toll, 
All this pain is simply just too immense!

My heart, now a void.
My mid filled with loving thoughts that sink into an abyss.
Everything I’ve ever been feels as if its been destroyed. 
Everything and everyone that mattered,
It feels as if they/it, no longer exist. 

All the light I emitted has been consumed by a darkness. 
That’s too great; too deep to retreat,
But everyday I’m still trying to fight it off. 
But I’m aways falling victim to tricks & lies;
From all the manipulation and all of the deceit 

How to rid myself of this; It’s all I wish, 
I pray I have the strength to overcome. 
I pray I don’t succumb to the hate and anger, 
I pray I have the strength to resist.