Amaryllis,

I’ve been staring at my blinking curser for over an hour.

I never saw you in your pink dress again. You wore it the first time we kissed. We kissed in the rain-do you remember that? I wish we went back to the “Three day rule.” When I can’t sleep I pretend that you’re holding me. Those were my best nights of sleep. I feel in love with you 10 years ago at Backroads. I wasn’t ready. Can you believe 10 years ago? It blows my mind. I haven’t heard a word since your email–I wonder if you are still with her.

I was depressed the night I told you I didn’t want to move. I really wanted you to fight for me. You didn’t. I felt like a visitor during the holidays. Not someone in your life but someone visiting. You were my first love. Not Jamie. You.

So many cool things I’ve done workwise. Wish I could call you. You’d crack up and be proud of me.

I wish you checked up on me. But I’m not a priority and I didn’t feel like one going in to the new year 2011

Why couldn’t we talk in three months like you promised? I think therapy, friends and your mom advised against it. I emailed Shelby three years ago and when she revealed that you were having fun, I nearly broke myself. I knew then that I was someone you were okay with no longer knowing. I was hurting and you were in love with another. Awesome.

This may sound bizarre. But the note you wrote me with your address our first round started with “Two ships in the night…” Sound familiar. Its weird-almost a bizarre clue. Because thats when I lost you. Youre eyes were vacant. also, why didn’t you introduce me to that girl who came right up to you for a friendly hug? I let it go, played it cool. But it was a red flag.

Life is funny, Bunny. I still hope to one day bump into you. In Santa Fe or at a random airport. I wanted to spend my life with you. I wanted babies with you. You’re going to be the best mom. I love you with everything in me. I know you’re happier now.

I wasn’t trying to break you. I never threw anything momentos away. I’m sorry I didn’t kiss you longer when I last saw you.

I better let you go.

And Bunny…I’m sorry.

Home Of The Brave