Back then I was in a terrible situation; dad in jail, mom gone, living with a distant uncle, and very depressed and hating and fearing life. I dressed in all black, didn’t leave my room, and listened to angry music.  When I wasn’t I was breaking into my school, and… other places. I read all the time and was a total bookworm. I didn’t speak up. I hated the world and didn’t care about school.

You lived next door, we went to the same school, and we never said a word to each other. Then one day, my friend knocks on my door and asks if I would go to church with him and the neighbors. I hadn’t been to church since I was a little girl. But I said yes. (He was annoying) I got into a car with a family I didn’t know and saw you… and your best friend. When I met you, i didn’t like you. I made fun of you constantly, mostly behind your back. You didn’t make sense to me. What type of guy was that happy? What type of guy was that into god? You were a nerd. Your best friend was like every guy I had ever went out with or had a crush on. A straight up bad boy, green hair, chains and all. It would’ve been easy to have a crush on him, and I did think he was cute. But no matter what I told my friends, truthfully my eyes were on you.

I found you annoying, and endearingly cute, even when I asked your best friend for guitar lessons. Again, it made more sense. Even back then I knew I should’ve been crushing on him. My friends loved him. But I liked the nerdy church boy. I flirted with the other guy in every way possible. He and I talked about music and, well mostly music. We didn’t have that much in common.

We, me and you, talked a lot about everything. It was weird. You wanted to go to a Christian college and become a missionary. (I had to stop myself from laughing.) You kept telling me to read the bible, it would help. I remember helping your sister clean out your garage, and finding your collectables and falling down laughing. Star wars! You liked star wars! Such a nerd. (though I was a huge comic book fan) I liked that about you. Because I was a nerd too. I gave you a nickname, when I wanted to write about you in secret.  I admitted to my friends I thought you were cute. But we had nothing in common. The nerdy good boy and the Goth freak with no parents around and a lot of issues couldn’t connect.

One night everything changed.  I’m not sure what happened. But somehow we found ourselves out late standing under the street lights, and talking, really talking. You told me you knew my dad was in jail, my little sister had told you, and you told me a lot of things about your life. Growing up, your life was more fucked then mine but it got better. You talked about forgiveness and letting go. You had a plan for your life and nothing was gonna stop you. It was then you went from Clark Kent to Superman.  To repeat, the guy was like Clark Kent yet I fell for him when I learned that we both had more issues than Bruce Wayne but he could still be Superman. Not too long after we kissed. It was nice and sweet, just like you. You made me laugh and smile all the time. My grades picked up, I got happier. I joined clubs, read the bible. I was free from all my drama for the first time. And I wanted to live.

However, we didn’t last long. Less than a year. Granted we wouldn’t have lasted anyway. I moved like two months later.  You were three years older and was just about to graduate high school. I think life just wanted you to teach me something. You talked to me with knowledge and understood. I needed to let go and move on, you helped me with that. Last time I saw you was a week before your graduation, and even then you did your best to make me laugh. So why this letter after so long? Why at all?

You changed my life. As stupid as it is to say. I’m about to graduate college with my bachelor’s in Business. I never even considered college before. I have a great job, and am doing amazingly well. I write all the time. I’ve start checking off all the things I wanted to do with my life. Some I should’ve known were mistakes, ice skating is fun only in theory by the way. But I’m still a world’s away from skydiving.  I’m not the same messed up girl going nowhere with a terribly sad playlist. So here’s hoping you’re doing great. That you’re off in some foreign place preaching god’s work. I hope your reaching people like you reached me. Or I hope you’re doing whatever it is that makes you happy.

Let’s be honest. I didn’t love you. I wasn’t in love with you. Back then, I was still too screwed up to even consider love. You were not the one who got away. Or the horrible ex. Not even my first boyfriend or first kiss. But if I had to single anyone out as my first love, it would be you.

We both were Clark kents (I leaning towards Harley Quinn). Now I’m Miss Incredible, I hope you’re still Superman.