Dear stranger,

There are so many things I wish I could tell you, so many little things I need to get off my chest.

First of all I miss you, intensely, insanely, immensely. But I know it was for the best, I know it is what needed to happen. I know all these things, I just wish – I could convince my heart.

I wish you knew the amount of times I typed your number in to my phone, just to erase it again. I wish you knew every tear I cried for you. I wish you knew how often I dreamt of us together again – I wish you knew. I wish you knew how every single time I get a message, for a heartbeat I hope it is you. I wish you knew that when something great happens the first person I think to call is you. I wish you knew that even though it was my decision to end it all, I still miss you.

Keeping the silence is the best thing for me to do. Even though I have a million things to say to you. Not speaking is the only way for me to keep being strong because I know if ever I hear your voice again I will break and I will come running back to you, even though you are poison to me.

I’ve typed a hundred messages to you, never sending a single one. Telling you how I wish things could be different, how I wish you were the same guy that you are in my dreams. But the funny thing is my memory of you is so warped I remember you the way I wanted you to be. And the worst part is because of this fucked up memory, my heart misses you. I wish I could remind my brain of how it used to be. How neglected and chronically angry you made me feel, how your friends came first and partying was life to you. I wish I could convince my heart of that which my mind already knows. I wish I could accept the fact that the person I remember is a fantasy – the you, I wish you would be. I am starting to realize I am holding onto something that doesn’t exist anymore. The person I miss no longer exists. People change. The things we like and dislike change. And we could wish they wouldn’t all day long, but that never works.

The part that hurts the most, I think, is that you have found yourself some company. And I know you have shared things with her that you promised me was special between us. But so easily you fell into her. (I hope she makes you happy in ways I never could and, baby, I hope she give you everything you desire.) And it hurts, more than I can tell anyone. It hurts so much and I feel so betrayed – unable to understand why. The only conclusion I have is that I was completely too attached to you.

But sweetheart, you know, I planned to spend my life with you; I honestly thought you were the one. I gave you my all, my everything and I see now that was my mistake. Only time could tell that we didn’t match that well and it was necessary for it to end. I’m just scared (oh so scared) that I will never be able to love that deeply again.

All my love
Somebody you used to know