Note to self :

DON’T EVER BE GOOD, because good guys never win.

The red notification tag was on the app and my OCD began to set in, instinctively I clicked on the facebook app to clear out the notification but it was more then a click, what I opened up too tore my heart into a Million pieces . Seeing that she was in a relationship stung worse then a open womb with alcohol poured on it. But what hurt more was the fact that I wasn’t told face to face . Regardless if 2 weeks prior I was “a perfect guy” to her I at least deserved to hear the news personally. I sat and just stared at the screen. My stomach began to knot like it never had before and I began to feel my eyes water . I don’t cry in public ever and I felt like I could have crashed to the ground and died right there . But instead I have to get myself through the rest of the day, and the comments from my TRUE, LOYAL Friends “you okay, you seem upset?” . I couldn’t tell what hurt more , having to push the words “I’m okay” out of my mouth every 5 minutes, or the fact that I had to sit through class and see so many happy people , and people that were in love with life and were smiling ear to ear. And I’m not saying I don’t life a happy life , because 97 percent of the time I life very happily, but today was the dreaded 3 percent of my life . As the day grew older , the headline “she is in a relationship” raced through my mind more then candy races through a young child’s mind. It wasn’t until I pulled into my friends house to pick him up to go and play catch at the little league field I really let my emotions go. I began to stutter and talk faintly like I always do when I am upset. He listened and talked like a father giving advice to his son, with gratitude and respect. Leaving this conversation and beginning to throw the ball harder and harder I began to think . Why am I not good enough? Why am I always the one who gets taken advantage off? Each time the ball hit my leather glove I began to fall apart mentally. I couldn’t take the stress anymore , I couldn’t take the continuation of failing and trying so hard to succeed. The feeling of being used began to creep into my mind again , I started to replay scenes of how happy I was a few months prior at the movies , bowling , and on a college visit with her , the continuous happiness radiated from my mind to my eyes , where now I began to picture the scenes over and over again like a movie scene on replay. This is when I decided that I could no longer put myself in the Situation to be hurt again. The person who I THOUGHT was my best friend I had to say goodbye to. At least for the time being. Staying loyal to her was one of the hardest tasks of my life weather it was her sleeping with my “best friend” or the time when she had told me that she never wanted to speak to me again . The countless nights when I was up all night crying , or the countless dreams that felt so real . I was physically, mentally and emotionally done . I can’t take the stress and negativity anymore . I’m just the guy that never wins .