This will haunt you…

This will haunt you…

This will haunt you…

Dear ______:

After talking with you Sunday night, I decided that I needed to write you this letter.  I have been contemplating writing it for quite some time, but it appears now that it is something that I need to do… not just for you, but for myself.  So here it goes…

For 5 years I have loved you, and before that we were friends, so it was a different kind of ‘caring’, so to speak.  You have been a part of my life for what seems like ‘forever’- first as my friend, and then as my partner/lover. Together, I felt that we could tackle anything, and that there would never be a problem that we could not solve.  You were the foundation for my life, and the one whose image would flash across in my mind whenever I thought of the words ‘tomorrow’, ‘happiness’ and more importantly ‘love’…  Imagine having that foundation torn apart without knowing how to fix whatever was broken, or even knowing that it was in jeopardy of collapsing… that is what these past couple of months have done for me.

I realize now that we viewed our relationship in two different ways over these past few months. While no relationship is ever perfect, each partner that is involved in it should be allowed the opportunity to try and fix what is wrong so that the time, love, and effort that had been put into the relationship isn’t just thrown away like garbage.  I feel that this is what you are doing to ‘us’. During our conversations that we have had, you have mentioned to me that you love me, didn’t want ‘us’ to end, that you envisioned us working things out once you got yourself together.  I have done everything that I know how to do to give you the love, support, and space that you have needed:  I gave you a week to try and clear your head in the hopes that you would realize what you were doing; I moved out, because that is what you said that you needed from me; I gave you the space that you needed by not calling you, believing that you would call me as you said that you would, and that you would make the effort to show me that you loved and missed me.  But by doing this, I have been crucified by you because you took the sacrifices that I had made for us as a subtle way of saying that it was ok for me to be without you.  How could you believe that any of this would be ok with me?? How could you honestly believe that after 5 years, that I could just quit loving you or not want to be around you, as either my friend or my partner/lover? You are sadly mistaken if you think that any of this has been easy for me, because it sure as hell has not…

The entire relationship that you have with Jessica, whether friendship or something more, started off in a dishonest way.  Neither her husband, Juan, nor I ever knew of the friendship, the extent of the text messages, or the conversations that were at many times, inappropriate. I get the fact that you felt that you could share things with her that you couldn’t with me, and that she could not share with Juan. Jessica is pregnant, hormonal, more than likely scared and freaking out, and probably questioning everything in her life. But, once she has her son, her focus will be on him and Juan, which is where it will and should be… then what will you have?  You will be alone; you will have the memory of what you have done to ‘us’ and how you believed, mistakenly, that the grass could ever be greener on the other side….

I am not saying that I was perfect in our relationship. I am certain that I could have done many things differently – we both could have.  Relationships go one of two ways… you either “grow up and grow together” or you “grow up and grow apart”. Perhaps you got freaked out when we were talking about getting married… but that is what it was – “talk” because that is what couples do, they talk.  If this is what has led to your new “I don’t want a commitment” attitude, then say so.  Just because we talked about marriage didn’t mean that I was ready to enter into a commitment like that either… you are presuming that I didn’t have fears and concerns of my own.  I had plenty. But despite the tough times, the good times with you outweighed the bad… This I can honestly say.

Your conversation with me Sunday night was mean and hurtful.  The word “callous” and “selfish” comes to mind.  You said that you didn’t want to go to Seattle because it would be awkward if we weren’t talking and then said you didn’t want to go because I was going. What were you expecting me to do, __?  Beg you to give us another chance?  Call you and tell you that I missed you and loved you? You were the one that said that you needed this “break”, yet you expect me to be the one to make the initial effort at communication and emotional sharing?  Why couldn’t you be the one to initiate communication with me?  Why couldn’t you initiate anything with me?  How unfair to me was this “break” supposed to be?  Yes, I removed your name from Facebook…I was hurt that you could be so indifferent to me, to “us”… I acted without thinking, just like you did when you cancelled your flight… Love makes people do crazy, irrational things at times, wouldn’t you say?….

You said that you didn’t miss me; didn’t think about me since I wasn’t around you… are you trying to convince yourself or me??!!  I at least can be honest in how I have felt about you which can be seen by all of the sacrifices that I have made because of my love for you.  But I cannot continue to make sacrifices for you, ___, when you are so blinded by your own selfishness and fear that you are sacrificing the one thing that you need; the one thing that has given you comfort, security, and stability – Me and our friendship…  I mourn the loss of what we had, almost like it has been a death, which in a way for me, it has been.  I don’t want to just disappear from your life, because like I said, we were friends first.  However, it doesn’t mean that I won’t, if not given any other choice.  I have found that I can adapt to almost anything these days, regardless of whether I want to or not….Please think about what we had, all of the aspects of our “friendship/relationship” before you make a mistake and lose me completely. This would haunt us both, believe me, and I don’t want that to happen… If it does, I can honestly say that I tried to prevent it…I can have closure knowing this…

I love you, ____…remember that always…

Brittany

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