It’s been 3 weeks since being on the road. Three months ago, I thought we would be together forever and thought about a proposal.
I am a man with a tough exterior. A guy you never saw cry, someone that you always felt protected by. Who knew I would be the one you needed protection from.
I feel so stupid for not realizing it the moment I laid eyes on you. I love you, I need you. You are my best friend.
We both had issues growing up, trust being the main. I had so much loss, it made me prone to insecurity, excessive worry, and anxiety. Sure I always knew there were people that would take care of me but never anyone I felt truly loved by…..until you came a long.
How stupid could I be to treat you the way I did. You loved me for who I was, all my imperfections, even when I pushed you away, you always held on. Even when I lied to you, you always found it in your heart to forgive me. You gave me all of your heart and I refused to believe anyone could truly love me for who I am.
In the beginning of our relationship, I took it as a joke. I was a “player” who needed to be played. Your friends warned you and you told them I was the one who would get their heart broken. In the long run, you’re right, but who knew I would break my own.
I heard your words and thought you took our relationship as a joke, might have even taken it a little personal. The first year was an unfaithful one, I was young, dumb, and truthfully a horny frat guy. To be honest, I did not know how faithful you were really being yourself until this final break-up when emotions spilled and truths came out.
As our relationship grew I began to consider you my best friend. You will always be my best friend. I think my past experiences made me prone to worrying and anxiety. I was always insecure and never knew if you were being true to our relationship. I now know these were my issues, not yours and it was wrong of me to talk to other women. It made me feel better at the time but it was only a temporary fix to my own insecurity.
When you saw the conversations, you were upset, it killed me seeing you so upset, each conversation grew further and further apart, yet they continued. Sometimes I felt neglected and was hoping to test you. I always stopped temporarily but as soon as the hurt was over and I forgot about the last, I was back to it again. Hiding the conversations almost became a game to me. I even changed passwords when I wasn’t talking to anyone and deleted conversations when there was nothing being said. I think I did it just to make sure you still loved me. Knowing you would see it eventually made it possible for me to see your emotions pour for me. I felt loved and desired. How selfish of me. No one deserves that.
I can’t really make an excuse for why I had an inappropriate conversation with her, but it was around the same time I decided to start putting away for your ring. It scared me of how young we were. About to graduate college, on the brink of adulthood. I thought to myself “what if she isn’t ready, what if our marriage turns out like my parents, or worse, her parents”. I grew confused, I wondered if I was still desirable or if it was a fluke. I was flooded with emotion. It was the best days of our relationship and the way you made me melt scared me shitless. Considering marriage at the brisk age of 22, never would have thought. Around the same time she began a conversation with me, it grew inappropriate and before I even had the chance to realize how dumb I was you already saw it. I had no excuses for that time because I was caught, I messed up and I sent our relationship into hiatus. Little did I know, it would never return to the joy and excitement it had been before that night. You gave me another chance and we were back together before long. Things were looking up.
I knew things weren’t quite the same since that time, the communication was stiffer, the insecurity was escalated by the both of us, and trust was never really restored. Little did I know I had already lost you then.
You took off to Europe for your summer classes, the time difference took a toll, along with the balance of my new job. I grew suspicious of my missed calls and your constant partying. We discussed our future and how even though I was moving, we would make it work with skype, text, and my weekend plane tickets back to see you. We even discussed our future on the road together. When you returned we broke up. You said we needed time apart to realize how special we were together, I agree. That’s when you asked me if I had ever cheated. After hours of pressure and a dinner where I could barely eat, everything was out and you were destroyed. I cheated on you 2 years earlier and didn’t tell you until then. Word’s cannot describe how difficult it was for me to tell you that.
Now on the road, I want to speak to you, tell you how my day is going and involve you in my life. You want no part in it. I drive myself crazy thinking about you. Today, you told me to quit trying to talk to you. Tomorrow will be the first day in 3 years we have not communicated. You see our relationship as lies and truthfully I don’t blame you. It’s crazy how 1 night and a few 10 minute drunk conversations can ruin 3 year or 1095 days of relational bliss. For those of you that read this, let me just tell you. It’s not worth it.
It’s hard to go an hour without thinking about you, let alone 10 minutes. I wake up and think about you lying next to me, the way I like to bother you when you are asleep because I think your tired little fits are so damn cute. I like to kiss you on the forehead, lips and cheeks because even though your eyes are closed, you still give me that sleepy grin that always make my mornings (more then dunkn’). I enjoy smelling your icky morning breath that you are always so self-conscious about, not because I am weird but because I think it’s cute that you would still care what I thought about something so natural. Thinking back on it, I am grateful for every single time you made me late for work. You didn’t always know it but I think this last year I was on average 20 minutes late every time you stayed over. It wasn’t your fault! I never wanted to stop cuddling with you, no matter how much I acted like I didn’t, I could have spent all day holding you. It felt natural waking up to you by my side, like I could do it every morning until we were both wrinkly and unattractive. I want to go shopping with you, garden with you, build our front porch house on the lake and grow old together. I always thought we’d make the perfect team. Seeing you and thinking back to you nannying those kids, my heart melts. You will make the best mommy in the world someday, even if you do let them eat candy and stay up late behind dads back. I thought that life would be with me. Whoever it is, you will make them damn happy someday. I can only pray that someone will be me.
You said “you deserve someone who will know I’m special from the beginning, not when they finally lose me”. Sometimes it takes losing someone to realize how much you love them. I knew how much I love you S. I decided long before I told you about the cheating that you were the one. The money was being saved. Maybe once again I am being selfish but S, we shared 3 great years of our life together and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I miss you muffin. I’d like to tell you, no matter who I meet, no one will compare to you. I’m not looking for anyone else, I’m not going to hook-up with anyone else, and I won’t give up on us. I love you forever and my heart is in your hands. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it.
I think it is too soon to send you this…