Dear M,

Dear M,

Dear M,

Thank you for being my first love; I can honestly say that I am extremely fortunate to have had you come into my life in such a strong and concrete way. I had the chance to make amazing memories and share experiences I will remember for a life time, with a person that I loved more than anything in the world. We got along so well, we shared the same sense of being- we saw the world through the same lens. Our conversations late at night in my room, or in one of our cars (especially overlooking our “spot” by the lake) reaffirmed my belief in soul mates. The connection that we shared transcended many other relationships we could see around us, and although of course this is never a competition, we knew and recognized the importance of this. I think that is why I’m finding it so hard to let you go, even though it was completely of my own doing.

 You see, although I loved you and still love you with every part of my being, that lens that I mentioned earlier never translated into how we approached having a relationship. Whereas I love to love and be loved in return, you didn’t feel comfortable with sharing your love with me, and also accepting all the love I gave to you. I understand there’s the typical manly man stereotype of men not being able to express their feelings and I respect this to a certain point, but you were hurtful about it. One night you would be telling me how you loved me and want to spend the rest of your life with me, then the next you would be trying to get the attention of another girl and calling me needy if I wanted to see you. This bi-polarness of your attitude towards me confused me all the more and I felt insecure, vulnerable and this ultimately translated into my neediness, I suppose. I recognize my flaws, I know I could’ve gave you more space…but I was scared of the space. We had almost a year of space and I never wanted that to happen again, my mind had already gone through the emotions of knowing you told another girl you loved her, or that you were actively pursuing another girl while we were together, or that you hated me, or that you thought less of me know that I wasn’t with you…and this goes both ways- I know it was just as hard for you and I did equally worse things to your feelings. I only mention these incidents because these were the reasons why I didn’t want to ever lose you again, because I knew the fall out and consequences my psyche would feel as a result. And these are also the reasons why our relationship fell apart beyond repair.

As you were express you love, I was unable to express my trust. I did trust you. I trusted the Matt that wanted to be with me, that promised me the world, that was the most amazing boy I’ve ever met in my entire life, that was perfect for me in every way- but I did not trust the side of you that was capable of treating me the way that I knew you could. I also couldn’t trust myself, I couldn’t trust the Katie that took our her insecurities on you, that was so vulnerable to the point of patheticness, that couldn’t resist going through your phone and got joy from catching you in the act of something you did wrong, that couldn’t sleep at night at points in our relationship cause I was so obsessed in thought of something you did or said months ago…the sad part is I could go on but you of all people know countless incidents you can add to that list. I hated being this person, I did not like this version of me and of course I could tell you did not either. I remember your best friend asking me why we got back together and I told him “You know when you meet someone, and they instantly just make you a better person…you like yourself more and that enhances your life overall from there…that person is Matt for me” but on the flip side, there was the Katie that we both hated. Someone you love shouldn’t bring out a side in yourself that you hate, there is not excuse for trading romantic love for self hate. I will always love you, and I will always hate that this was the case for us.

Towards the end of this saga of our relationship, I could see it coming like I have so many times before. However, although seeing the end was the same as every other time, my attitude towards it changed completely which is why I feel a sense of finality with our love. Whereas before we ended in a fit of rage, hurt and betrayal…this time was slow, cold and dead. A facebook message. Lack of texts. Absence of calls. Deadening of expressions of affection. What have you been doing for the past five days?, followed our normal pattern of massive overages in my cellphone plan due to our incessant conversation.

I ended it. I moved on first. I am the bad guy.

I didn’t want to end it, moving on so serious so fast was a mistake and…I miss you being the bad guy.

Last part was in jest. Only it is shrouded with truth.

I am the bad guy. I have a new boyfriend who I share a wonderful relationship with, but I still insist on keeping up a weird-friendship-quasi-ihateyou-letstalkeveryday-sendsongsthatremindeachotherofoneanother-donttalktomeagain-whyamitextingyou-gotobedyoudickhead-xo type of deal. I’m letting him fall in love with me and I’m not letting you fall out of love with me. This makes me hate this version of myself more than clingy Katie. I love the both of you. I love being loved by the both of you. Who the fuck do I think I am to deserve the love of two amazing, kind, smart, funny men that could really benefit from cutting me out of their lives and finding someone more suitable to their higher level. I am going to let you move on now, I will not send you funny videos of pugs because I miss yours, I won’t snapchat you pretty/ugly pictures of me in glasses cause I know thats your weakness, I won’t inform you of when the radio plays “our song”, I won’t respond to any of the above mentioned things that you do to me…and this will hurt. It will require more willpower then you’ll ever know. I’ll be writing in my diary you always made fun of instead of getting out my leftover love on you. We’re texting right now and I’m explaining to you how I’m writing, you know I love writing, I’m going to explain to you how it was incredibly therapeutic and helpful and say a heartfelt goodnight to you…and then I will begin my starvation of your love and attention.

I am very happy with where I am in my life right now. In theory, this is the best place I’ve ever been in my 22 years on earth. I’ve texted you six times since I started writing this. I’ve thought about you constantly. And I’ve loved you every letter written. I wish I could be in my best place with my best friend.

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