Sun + moon

Sun + moon

Sun + moon

X,

You were the Sun & Moon to me. I really thought it was true love, and we’d be the high school sweethearts everyone envied. We held steady for two years. Neither of us were looking for a relationship, but it happened.You were so vibrant, had an infectious smile and a bubbling personality. God do I wish I could go back to those days, haha.

I have regrets, as do you. I’m sure of it. Neither of us are perfect. After all, we broke up Christmas morning. Although you’d hinted at it for weeks, I never expected it to come true… Especially on Christmas. But hey, it happened. I was in shock, and currently am up 3 weeks later at 5 am writing this letter. I don’t know why, but it just seems appropriate for this point in time. I don’t really sleep anymore.. I go out and kill my sorrows and pain with other girls and alcohol mostly.. I realize it’s not how I should be acting. But if you acted correctly maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I know I’m not Prince Charming or some bullshit, but in today’s world, who is?  While I know I wasn’t Prince Charming, I think we meshed pretty well though. But because the going got hard, and I worked more than I ever had prior it gave you the liberty to cheat again? Come on…

I mean too, you have the audacity to break up with me on Christmas, and then a week later have me meet you for a breakfast so you can tell me you have been cheating for over a month. Cool. Really fucking cool. I don’t know who to trust or how to trust. I can’t sleep because my heart hasn’t left my stomach since you told me. Telling me didn’t help me at all, and I’ve begun to realize it may just have been a selfish move to clear your own mind and thoughts. The pain I feel everyday is unimaginable. I feel like I’m walking around a huge hole everyday, and avoiding it is impossible. My  heart hurts. I’m not going to sit here and pretend to be tough, because I’m not. I’ve never been more vulnerable and weak. I’ve cried night after night trying to figure out why you did this to me. How you could’ve done this to me. I can’t wrap my head around it, and I don’t think I ever will be able to. I’m struggling, internally, and externally. I don’t sleep, and the moral dilemma’s never seem to end. I go to Church at least once a week as you know.. I pray for you, and your happiness, which as weird as it sounds is true.  My actions lately have been poor, and they’re not reflecting how my parents brought me up. Honestly they’d be ashamed if they saw the way I was acting out in public and towards other girls.  Women deserve to be treated like princesses, let’s be real though. Every girl deserves it. For two years, you were my princess. No denying that. There’s not a moment of time I was free that I didn’t spend with you, spoiling and loving you; and there wasn’t a price tag to big for you haha at any point. I always seemed to make it work and put what you wanted over what I may have even needed at some points. I know I’m jumping everywhere, but all of it is the truth. I don’t know how to effectively communicate these thoughts in a much better way than just throwing them all down in this paragraph.

It sucks that our relationship meant so little to you, and it breaks my heart to look at old pictures or things of yours that for some reason are still laying around here. I’m broken into pieces, and I don’t know how to be put back together. I don’t even know where to start to be honest. I’m a mess. But hey, shit gets better, right?

So anyway, since we’ve ended I’ve had sex with 6 different girls.. I’m embarrassed and ashamed of this number, but it’s true. I’ve tried to comfort myself in such a manner that is immoral and by no means what my parents raised me to be; so to you six women: You’re beautiful, and I’m sorry if I hurt you emotionally in any way. Every one of you deserves better, and will get better in the future. You’re all princesses in the making :). But let me just say one of them has turned out well I guess. An old friend of mine from high school that I always had a crush has been amazing. It started as a physical attraction, but as our night went on tonight we talked. We opened up and had a real heart to heart. So I took her out to dinner, and am meeting her again Friday for breakfast so we can talk again before she heads out. It’s been cool to have a friend that listens and will be a shoulder to cry on if needed. I’ve received some awesome advice from another girl as well. Haha, this girl is beautiful. We’ll refer to her as L. Well, L is gorgeous. A hard 10, but she’s not into me. L also is the classiest girl I’ve ever met. Haha, I mean not everyone is into me but it’s just weird because we talk so often and have had some pretty deep conversations.

Although I have these other girls around, it only takes the pain away momentarily, because the second I’m alone it eats me alive. Every second of the day I spend alone I nearly break down trying to figure out why. I don’t know how to make it much further. I just don’t. It’s hard to continue knowing the girl I was in love with has moved on already. I don’t know. As terrible as it is, I still love you and you’ll always be the Sun & Moon to me.  You fucked me over bad, but sometimes we hurt the ones we love. I don’t want you back. I’m happy we’re not in each others lives. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t miss you though. Of course I do. I miss your playfulness, and loving all of my weird imperfections. So I guess this is it. Here’s to good health, and success. May you prosper, and never put anyone what I’m being put through.

Yours Always,

M

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