9 years of wondering about you, but now I know you’re ok.

9 years of wondering about you, but now I know you’re ok.

9 years of wondering about you, but now I know you’re ok.

I know I broke your heart. I know it was rough for you, even if I pretended like I didn’t care. I did love you, very much. You were my first and you will always have that place in my heart. I left you so quickly, and you just disappeared. I was distracted with a new interest, but I want you to know I thought about you. I felt guilty, I still do, and I missed you, but we just weren’t working anymore. I don’t know if it was because it was our first year of college or I just wasn’t ready to settle down. It wasn’t that your love wasn’t enough. I’m still with the guy I left you for. We make 8 years this year. And throughout all those years, you pop into my head from time to time.

I remember the last time I talked to you so well, getting my bike back, and you just got that new tattoo. I remember because after that, you vanished. No trace of you anywhere. No facebook, no google leads, nothing. I just wanted to know you were ok. I just wanted to know I didn’t crush you and ruin your life. Do you know how consuming it was, not knowing if you were even alive? I spent many nights searching for any recent trace of you, typing your dad’s name and your sister’s name, just to try to find anything. I just wanted to see how you looked after all this time had passed. I just needed to know you were ok. I saw you at the grocery store a few years ago and we locked eyes for a second, and it was such an overwhelming feeling. I didn’t know what to do, because I don’t know if you hate me, or don’t even think of me, or if you want to speak to me. After that, I kept looking every now and then. Well, I finally found you tonight. And you’re getting married! Married to a girl you have been with for a while, and I’m just so happy for you. And I found out we graduated in the same field. And you’re getting married on me and my boyfriend’s anniversary which is such a strange coincidence. I feel some strange sense of closure. I feel so greatful that you found someone to call your own. I feel sad a little because I don’t know what we would have become if I had stuck it out with you. I don’t regret it, because I’m so happy where I am now, but it does make you wonder sometimes… the “what ifs.” I didn’t lose just my boyfriend, but a best friend. And I know it was my fault, but sometimes I just wish I could talk to you. Or I could have done things better so I didn’t hurt you so bad. I wish I could check up on you on facebook like everyone else gets to do with their exes. I loved the person you were and it sucks that I have no idea what kind of person you have become. I wish I knew you’d read this somday, just so that any lasting part of this you may still feel would heal. You might have questions, or maybe need some sort of closure. I wonder how many times you brought me up. I wonder how long it took you to really get over me. I’m sorry S. I’m just so sorry, and I’m so happy you’re ok and have someone to love and love you back. I wish we could talk just once and laugh and reminisce about everything, all of the crazy things we did. Maybe in another life. Well wishes. -E

2 Comments

  1. J. 3 years ago

    So many of the letters here are about fresh breakups.I was struck by your letter because you write about someone you left almost a decade ago. Truly “significant” others are not easily forgotten. I’ve been thinking of contacting someone I left over 20 years ago, but for my generation, a web search could very well result in an obituary notice. After all this time that would grieve me terribly. And even if I did get an email address, what would be the point? Allegedly I want to apologize, but isn’t there really a hidden agenda– fishing to see if I’m still valued? Maybe just idle curiosity? This site does a real service in allowing us to express ourselves without actually pursuing a course that may be unwise.

  2. Paul 3 years ago

    I have been thinking about contacting an ex from over twenty years ago. I found her and she is now married and may have children. We went out together for a short time. She then took off to college and we never saw or spoke to each other again. I just want to say hi and see how she is doing – that’s all.
    Is this ok, she may not even remember me. I was her very first love and also ‘first time’. Please ladies give me some advise about what you think. Say what ever you feel. Be honest I need to know before I send the letter.
    Thanks

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