I can’t even look at you

I can’t even look at you

I can’t even look at you

LTME-postDear J,
To be honest, I don’t know where to start. I have so many unanswered questions to the term ‘us’. The endless nights I have spent crying over you hurts. It doesn’t only hurt because I miss you, It hurts because I know you miss me too. I would of never imagined me writing a letter to you because I never thought I was ready up until last night. Last night really hurt me. I was crying, you were crying, but why? You’re the one who doesn’t want me back, you’re the one getting with my friends in front of me. Then you come up to me wanting to “talk” to apologise to me. Why? why should you apologise? You did it, you fucked up majorly. and yet i continue to hate myself because I would accept you to come back into my life any day. Part of me believes the only reason you deemed to apologise to me is because you don’t want to ruin your “reputation”. Yet I feel for you, I hate you but I know I can’t hate you because I do truly love you. I feel for you because I know your upset, it kills me to see you this way. The look on your face the one I had always dreaded to see. The look of emptiness and pity. I crossed your eyes many times last night, my expression ever so blank, I had wondered what are you doing? why are you doing this? What are you trying to prove? Everyone told me to just hook up with someone else, why should I? Why should I stoop down to your level just to show you how much better I am without you!!!! The truth is I’m not, you impacted my life majorly and you broke it too. You tore down my world and you can’t even bother to try fix it up again. What you did to me is unexplainable. It’s sad to think that this is what happens in the real world today. Our mothers tell us to always look before you cross or don’t accept candy from strangers, but how come they never teach us to never trust someone until you fully know them or how about don’t bother with boys this age, they don’t know what they want or the responsibility of having someones stories, experiences and memories within you.

That’s where I fucked up. I poured my heart and soul into you and I guess I was just “too much” Your eyes, ever so piercing last night, I thought to myself its strange to think that maybe I hadn’t ever noticed you before but because of that stupid trip, you’re all I ever think about. It sucks to be standing here, alone, with no one by my side, even though YOU were the one who said you’d never leave, yet you did. Why would you dare fill me up with hope and you continue to do so. I hear little things here and there about how you still care and how you want me to be happy yet you continue to hurt me every single day. What have we become? You wan’t to be friends, everyone basically hates you because what you did, and trust me I feel for you, but then again. You are the one who doesn’t want me for some fucking reason. I’m hurting and I STILL want you. It pains me to hear the people that you get with it pains me to hear that they’re my friends or people I know. It pains me to see that all we had is just thrown out the window that it never fucking matter to you because it fucking mattered to me and you were my ENTIRE WORLD. I guess i was stupid, I always put you first, never myself. Your happiness meant more to me than anything good in my life. Then things went cold, you shut me out. You weren’t talking, I thought you needed space. I was wrong, the long paragraphs turned into 4 words, the 4 words turned into 1 and then one day you just stopped. You left me hanging for so long, wondering what I had done or if there was something wrong in your life. I told you that “I’ll always be here for you, you know that? I worry about you so much and I want you to be okay”. Yet you brushed it off. You brushed my unconditional love like it was nothing, I gave you my heart in a box and you threw it away. Did all those words you say mean nothing to you? Was it just to get in my pants? You were my first, a strong emotional connection that you can never find again.

Being someones first, no one will EVER be my first again. I guess you weren’t ready to take that responsibility. I was your first but i guess that doesn’t mean anything to you because your young and you don’t understand and you just want to get into someones pants. I still remember that night when you were off your face and you called me. We had never had a phone call before but we spent two hours talking. You told me I was the most beautiful girl you had ever met, and that my smile was everything. You couldn’t get over the fact how cute I was and how I liked you for you. That phone call I’ll never forget and those texts you’d send me drunk or sober, I still keep them. It reminds me of a time where I knew how to love someone other than myself. The sad part about this is that, I don’t want to let go. I still love you and I still want to be with you. I wish I had told you this, I wish I did. Even if our path ended like it had I wish I got the chance to tell you that I love you. I won’t lie to you and tell you that I’m fine because I’m not. I miss you, I miss everything about you, I miss the way you used to pay me out, I miss the way you used to call me cute and compliment me every day, I miss the way you used to hold me in your arms, I miss the warmth of your body and the tight embraces, I miss the way you’d put your arm across me when you were half asleep and I miss who you were as a person. I even miss the tough times, the times where I spent loosing sleep because I was up at night worrying about you. I promised you i’d always be there for you, and even now I still want to be, I know what you’re going through is hard and it destroys me to see you like this. I hate to end it like this, I told you that I’d support you no matter what and I’m trying to do that even if we are no longer together I continue to try and look out for you. I need to know how your doing, I want you to be okay. I’d rather be unhappy and destroy myself and I hope you’d know that.

Your Happiness is vital, you’ve gone through so much and you don’t need me bringing you down. You made me who I am today and I don’t know why I continue trying because part of me believes this isn’t over. Loving someone is a major responsibility. I know, but I can’t stop thinking about you. Whether you make me cry because I miss you or you make me smile because I know you still care. I just don’t understand why you don’t want me back and I guess I’ll never know because you seem to be having so much fun with all those other girls. To be honest, I wish you were a dickhead, I wish you were an asshole, I wish you’d never try to speak to me ever again because I wouldn’t have hope. I know you care and I know you’ve been feeling extremely down and been crying. It hurts to see your name pop up on facebook whenever your online, your friendships, your photos. They secretly kill me inside. Under all this your temporary escape and excuse for everything is to get absolutely pissed. It’s sad to see you like this. I don’t even recognize you anymore. If I had the chance to say all of this to you, I don’t think I could. I couldn’t because you believe theres no use fighting anymore, you told me that I should forget about you and be happy. You never asked my opinion on this, I don’t want to forget you. I truly don’t you were a major part of me and you made who I am right now. We may not have been together for ages and maybe eventually I’ll start smiling instead of crying when I remember our precious memories together, but for the time being things will just have to stay how they are.

After all this, the silence is what is killing me the most. When you approached me for the first time in 3 weeks, I had so much to say to you but no words came out and I just blurted that I wasn’t ready to talk to you. Then I thought to myself you told me to talk to you when I was ready. You angered me, I believed the only reason you wanted to apologise to me was to save your sorry ass. You continue to find new ways to hurt me but hey, thats okay! You’re not fucking with my mind are you???. You are. I guess theres just so much to say but so little explanation why or how we ended. I’m constantly torn between moving forward and staying behind because YOU give me hope. No matter how much you hurt me and no matter how sad it makes me to see you with other girls in front of my face. I’d still be willing to give it a second chance. But at the end of the day it all comes down to you. You’re the one who’s so one-minded and won’t think this will work out. Who knows what will happen from now, do we become friends? Not for the time being.

Who knows what next year will hold, it’s our final year and you know that I don’t want to end in a bad note, I don’t want to fuck this up. I don’t want to regret not talking to you but my feelings are ever so strong. It’s because I had you, and I don’t have you anymore. I don’t want this to end on sad depressing note like our last phone call. I want us both to be the better person and be mature about this entire thing. From what I’ve seen, maybe you haven’t been taking it the way I have been trying to. This letter is long enough now and I should probably end it here. So my rant ends here along with all the sad sobbing stories. Just have to realise that there is more out there than you. It’s just the fact that you’ve changed and you seem such an angry and unhappy person now and it pains me to see that. I hope you’re holding up okay and you’ve changed what heartbreak means to me. You’re the boy who I loved unconditionally, my first, and whom I’ll never forget. Maybe in a couple years time I can look back and smile at this but for now I can’t even look at you. Before I ramble on, I just want to say one final thing.

Just thought I should let you know that I love you. I love you with all my heart, and I probably love you more than I should. I’m sorry that I never got to tell you this as I do regret it majorly.

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