Our relationship started off real awkward, at that point in time I didn’t even want a relationship. But he showed up and he took my breath away. He was the kind of man that picked flowers from the neighbours yard just to give me a sweet gift. And I never knew how sweet that really was until now. He loved me for me. He took care of me. He let me take care of him. Besides our stupid fights that started because of me, it was the most perfect relationship, it was even more perfect than in the movies. The worst part is, it ended, and I didn’t even know until three months later. For three months I was wondering what he was doing, if he was starring at the stars at night hoping I was looking up at them too, but he wasn’t. He was with somebody else. And I didn’t even know for almost 9 months. I thought he just cut contact just so he can explore life and enjoy life on his own, because he wasn’t ready to settle down, because distance was too hard, but he cut contact because he found somebody else. Somebody better. Somebody who makes him happier. Somebody worth his time. He got bored of me, do you know how much that hurts? You ask yourself questions everyday, about what you did wrong, about what you could’ve done differently, if you loved him enough, if you gave him enough gifts, if you gave him enough attention. But I’m the end, I couldn’t do anything more. I loved him with all I had, and more. I gave him everything he could possibly want, and I gave myself nothing. When I first saw the picture of you two, him smiling at you in his dress blues, my heart sank so far in my stomach, I felt like I stopped breathing for a while. I haven’t seen him in a year. Haven’t heard from him in a year. And here he was. With you. Happy. And in love. What I have now is old memories, and a hole in my heart I know I will never be able to replace no matter how hard I try. It’s been almost two years months since I’ve seen him. I still look at the photos of me and him. I still watch the videos to remind myself how his voice sounds like. I still cry at night wondering why he left. And if I will ever be loved in that way ever again. He is the most perfect human being I’ve ever laid eyes on, and nobody will ever be able to beat him. Will I ever get over him? Eventually. Will I ever stop loving him? Never. Even after he hurt me so bad. Even though he’s moved on and loves somebody else. I’ve accepted the fact that my first love will never go away, no matter how many years go by. I’ve accepted that you make him happy now, and that you are in charge of taking the cute selfies with him, and that you are the one he thinks about going to bed and waking up in the morning. I just hope you accept that he was a bigger part of my life than you could ever imagine. And I made more memories with him than I ever could with my own family. And the amount of love I had/have for him, you nor anybody else could ever beat. I hope you accept the fact that I will always love this man, for as long as I live, you live, and he lives. I hope you take care of him, and you remind him what a blessing he is to this world. I hope you tell him you love him everyday and that everything will be okay because he fights his own demons daily that you don’t know about. I hope you hold his hand tight and never let go. I hope you guys the best. I hope you the best. And I hope you know that you are loved by the most incredible human being on this planet and that you will never feel love like that in your life so cherish it. Cherish every moment you have with him. Because I didn’t, then he was gone. And I have nothing but old memories, while you are living in the moment with him. I’m sorry for interfering in your life with him. That was never my intention, but I was heartbroken, I had hatred in my body. But now, I’m okay. I’ve accepted it. It hurts. It always will.
The hole I’ll never be able to close