I know its childish that I’m still writing about you even after almost 2 years of not being together. I also know that its childish that I’m still thinking about you if I was the one who ended things. You’re with someone new and I totally respect that…but there was so much that I left unsaid that I wish I could’ve said sooner. I know it sounds cliche( even for me) but thats the truth. So I’m writing you this letter, a letter that will live in cyberspace forever once I hit that send button, but here goes..
I was scared. Honestly, I was scared of how you were capable of loving me so much, of dedicating yourself to me with no hesitation. You were ready to settle down, you had the whole image locked down in your brain… you saw our whole life right before your eyes. But we were still 18. And I wasn’t ready to live a life full of “what-if’s”. But let me back up to the beginning. The first time I saw you my heart literally skipped a beat, I knew that I had to meet you. I was with Maya, my best friend, I nudged her and said ” you see that cute guy with the glasses?, he’s going to be my boyfriend someday…idk when but one day he will.” Fast forward a year later and there we were, madly in love. The year and half that I spent by your side were the most amazing times of my life. I didn’t know how far someone was able to love me until you came along. You were my first love loser face, and you always will be. Our “honeymoon” phase makes me sick when I think back to it haha, we were so in love, so happy, so sure that we would end up together. And while I was saying it truthfully at the beginning, that we would always be together, it gradually started feeling like a lie. Right after the whole ordeal with my sister, which put me as basically the primary caretaker of me niece and nephew, I was scared. I was scared that we were moving too fast, I was scared that I would get pregnant sooner than I wanted to. But I was mostly scared because while you were falling more in love with me, I was falling less in love with you…or so I thought. I thought about the decision of ending things so hard… after we graduated high-school and I started full-time classes and took on my first full-time job, it was so little time we had for each other… Then you started accusing me of not giving you enough time when I barely had time for myself. Things were started to get complicated. I knew we would be able to work things out if we talked about them, I wasn’t stupid. But I just wanted you to tell me how you felt for a change. I wanted you to take charge, to plan something for us, anything. Soon after I felt that the love you had for me wasn’t enough. We would always talk about getting a house by the lake with a fireplace, but we never thought about how we would there, how we would both push each other to achieve our dream careers. I wanted to go to medical school and you were hesitant about going to college. I wanted to work and get my own money while you had your mother looking for jobs for you. But thats beside the point. I took all of that into consideration. I felt like your whole world revolved around me ( and yes I know how conceded that sounds but thats the truth). I was scared at how much you depended on me. So I ended it. And it was the hardest thing I ever did. How could I let you go if I knew you how much you loved me. I could I be the one to walk away from the one who showed me unconditional love and who I loved so much? it was difficult but I knew it had to be done. When you’re with someone and you know that even though you love each other so much, it just isn’t enough, you have to let them go. And thats what I did. I let you go and as much as we persisted, as much times that we hooked up again after the breakup and as much times that you tried to get back together with me and I said no, I knew it was right. As much that it hurt me, I knew I wasn’t the one for you and you weren’t the one for me. There are times that certain people come in your life, but not all of them stay. You came into my life to show me how much I could be loved. And that there is someone out there that will love me more than you ever did. You taught me to love my flaws and to be myself. You were my soulmate for that year and a half and I was yours. Im sorry for breaking your heart, but I’m happy you found someone to will keep the pieces together forever. I see you two together and I know you were meant for each other. Know that I will always have a special place for you in my heart. I wish you the best loserface. Always.