If you are reading this then this is probably the fifteenth time I’ve tried to write this. I’ve been debating if writing this is even worth it as I feel so many different emotions when I write this. When start to feel angry and upset I have to stop. I have to stop wondering if you truly care about me or this letter. I have to stop wondering if you’re just going to skim the words and pretend like you’re actually reading it and taking it to heart. I think this letter is just my form of communication as it has always been. I never told you but writing has always been the easiest way for me to express how really feel and I’m sorry I was too afraid to show you this side of me. I was trapped for too long in a bad relationship and I figured you knew better then I. I think this letter will help us both one way or another.
You are probably wondering if I hate you and it’s probably been bugging you for a long time. I don’t hate anybody I just feel disappointed in people that let me down. I don’t think anyone ever intentionally tries to hurt someone and I think it just happens sometimes. I don’t need you to feel guilty or sorry for me. I don’t need you to look at me and see all the bad things I went through and tell me I don’t deserve this. I know that I deserve all the love in the world and I know that I deserve to show someone just the same. I don’t deserve broken promises or someone who makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I have felt like I am such a rare person who cares a lot and I get stepped on all the time but I know that I can’t change that part of me. People have tried to tear me down but I am still the same person I’ve always been. I’ve always been able to survive. I am just very secretive and I never wanted to make you feel like you weren’t making me happy.
When I was with you in person you knew how to make me smile and laugh. I think just had a really hard time telling each other how we felt about one another. You would distance yourself from me and I wondered what I did wrong or where I went wrong. I spent a lot of time just waiting for you to ghost me. To disappear without a trace. It’s happened to me and I focused on it because I could never really peg you. I never knew what you really wanted from me.
Yeah, maybe it was because you were inexperienced in dating. I don’t know. I didn’t want to be the person who always told you what to do. I wanted you to figure out what I wanted. I felt like you should have been able to read my mind or my facial expression, which is just stupid. I should have told you straight up but I didn’t want to make you feel like you were inadequate or good enough for me.
There were times where I felt like I was not a big deal and I sort of felt like just a friend to you. You’d never introduce me as a girlfriend and I guess it may have been weird to reference me as such, I can understand that. I just wanted you to feel proud you were with me as I was proud to be with you. I wanted you to meet my family, which was a huge deal for me. I wanted to go on little trips together but most of all I just wanted your time when things were easier for you at work.
You being away sucked but it was also nice having a separation. You had to do what you had to do. I just wanted to support you and I wanted to remind you that ‘hey, I’m still here and I miss seeing you’. I wanted you to feel wanted by someone but I got the impression that it was a chore talking to me and I was just this burden. I was constantly wondering if things were okay between us because I felt like you were displeased with me and I didn’t know what I did wrong, thus I didn’t know how to fix things between us. I was just worried when I didn’t hear anything from you for so long, that’s not me being clingy that’s just me being genuinely concerned because I care about you.
I couldn’t talk to you about things because your behavior showed me you cared when you wanted to. This led me to become frustrated and I put on a mask for you. I pretended like everything was okay because I knew I didn’t have much time with you and I wanted to have just positive experiences. I would just break down in front of you because I was holding it all in so you wouldn’t get upset with me. You’d ask me what was wrong and I just could not push myself hard enough to open my damn mouth. I’m sorry. I think I was just waiting for you to push me to do it. “What’s wrong?” and I would be silent… I was just waiting for you to say “It’s alright you can tell me anything, please tell me so we can work it out” or “I can see something is wrong, you can tell me”. I think saying that would just open the floodgates for me. I need reassurance as much as I hate to admit it but need to be pushed so that I can learn to fully a trust a person.
When you got back into town I did feel like a stranger to you. I’m sure you were busy and had a lot a things going on. I just couldn’t understand that you couldn’t take 10 min to give me a call, to see how I was doing, or what I’d be up to that week. Nothing. It was as if you thought I had no life and that my time wasn’t valuable as well. I could have just have blown you off all the time but I know all too well what it’s like to feel like you’re always on the back burner and I never want anyone I’m dating to ever feel like that. I wanted to plan dates and to go out and do things with you but you called it hanging out all the time. That didn’t make me feel all that special. You’d end up having previous engagements but, oh, I’m welcome to come to…. thanks for remembering you have a girlfriend at the last minute. Cause you know I’ll always be there for you.
I am so sorry that my inability to push myself caused our relationship so much trouble. I didn’t know how to be a girlfriend anymore. I knew how to be a fighter and I learned how to hide because if I didn’t I don’t know if I’d be alive today. I think I just needed a lot of reassurance and I needed to feel secure and okay before I could trust you. I mean I did tell you my biggest secret because I wanted you to trust and understand me better. That has to count for some sort of bravery.
That weekend that we spent together that I guess caused all of this….you asked me if I trusted you and I do…. maybe not as much now but at the time I was falling in love with you and it scared the shit out of me cause I didn’t think I could have those feelings again. After that I told myself to let it all go and just live in the moment. I asked my friend how I should tell you how I felt and he told me to do when it felt right. I was going to do it when we went camping and I knew that I needed to say it because when you love someone you don’t ever expect them to say it back. You just do it unconditionally. I could be dead tomorrow and same with you. I just knew that you needed to know. Just when I was finally ready to let you in you pulled the rug from right under my feet. That is how shitty our communication was. I was falling in love and you looked me up and down and said “Nope”. I’m not going to lie to you, that day you came over I was happy to see you again and to spend time with you and I did not expect it at all.
I had hoped that you would have valued me more as human being with feelings. I had hoped that you would have respected our relationship more instead of treating it like a game. There is no winning in a relationship and you will only loose if you play those games with people. You should have come to me early on despite what my past experiences were. I don’t need you to look at me and feel sorry for me because if you felt bad for me you have done everything in your power to make sure you would never hurt me. You would have worked with me instead of against me.
What I’ve learned in relationships is that holding a grudge against someone who was malicious to you will only hinder your ability to be in any future relationships. I know that you harbor pain from your past just as I do but I knew that I had to be truthful with you so that you could understand that I am not perfect and I wish you would have told me what happened in your previous relationships so that I could better understand you as a person.
So, this nears the end of this letter. Thank you for taking the time to hear me out. I think now would be a good time to give me an explanation, as I do deserve it.
I can honestly tell you that I can’t imagine my life without you in it but I wont sit there and watch you care for someone else instead. I have a good heart but not to the point where I’m willingly going to be walked all over. I still care about you and still want to be with you and if you can look me in the eyes and tell that we aren’t right for each other then this will be the last time I will see you. If I wasn’t a major part of your life as a girlfriend then don’t see much hope in being in your life now. For that I am truly sorry.