Didn’t have to be this way

Didn’t have to be this way

Didn’t have to be this way

LTME-postI told you, long ago, that I always wanted to know you. No matter what transcribed between us, I wanted to know you and to be present in your life, as a person that would always consider you as my friend. I wanted to see what kind of person that you would become.
I, in my heart, knew that I would support you and wish for your happiness even once we parted in our ways.
I knew that I would think kindly of our time together, after we weren’t together.
I did my best in understanding you when you left me at the airport. I did my best in understanding you when you wouldn’t give me time to heal. I allowed you to reel me into false hopes when you couldn’t quite figure out how you felt about me.
Relationships are not one sided. It wasn’t always about you, and your feelings.
I am a human with feelings, too.
I am a human with more empathy and compassion than you have ever fully experienced or appreciated. Yet.
I would’ve congratulated you on finding someone new, if you’d only had the fucking guts/balls to say so.
Treating me with dignity and respect would’ve made me feel as if our time together was valid, like it meant something to us both. Instead, you treated me like I never mattered to you in the first place.
You treated everything, that was ever beautiful between us, as if those moments, had no value.
You couldn’t believe that I would wish you the best and move on, too?

Thank you for treating me so badly. No, really. You opened my eyes to the real YOU. He is exactly who I thought he was the day that I met him. 21 yr old, spoiled frat boy from Tx that had no idea or real care about getting to know me, or who could care about anyone, but himself.

You kept your friends apart- didn’t like them to mingle.. weird. But ok, YOU didn’t want his friends to realize that he separates them, because he isn’t comfortable being the same Yaniv around them? Hmm.. Go ahead and be a different person to different people, buddy… Be whatever YOU, you need to be now. You’re really good at that. I sincerely hope that one day you’ll figure out who you really are. I sincerely hope that one day you won’t feel the need to be what you think other people want from you, and you can be comfortable in your own skin, to just be you. Yeah, you do you, takes on a whole different meaning when you’re literally portraying yourself differently. I saw that, more than you’d realize, but I chose to believe that it was due to your age and inexperience. I was a fool enough to think you’d grow up and out of all that doubt that lives inside of you. Your doubts were the inevitable reasons that kept us from being together. Neither of us made a choice to fall in love, but being together was an actual choice. It was a choice that you couldn’t really fathom, but you just kept telling me otherwise. Desire and commitment are the true tests for long standing lov-ings. You had desire, yes.. You didn’t have conviction. You didn’t want to love me. And I understand, 15 years, 2000+ miles… Why would you WANT to love me? You’re so good at delving into different areas of life, of creativity, of expression, but you don’t posses the ability to follow through. I don’t think you know how to give yourself over to something, because by giving, you have to fully engage. You have to know yourself first, in order to truly give.

I don’t have regrets. But I know that if I had a choice to do it all over again, I would never have spent years of my life believing in a person that never really existed. How many times would I say things like, “Yaniv says he’s going to..” instead of “Yaniv IS going to”
I wanted to believe you. I wanted to believe IN you! Yet, all those doubts kept adding up.
I should have believed in myself, and that is what I could regret. But me, being me, I believed that we loved each other. So, I wanted and I believed that you cared enough about me, to recognize how your actions, your lack of emotional intelligence and your ineptitude of self awareness contributed to hurting me. I only wanted you to be able to acknowledge how you were accountable for denying me the only things I ever asked of you. “Be open and honest, be truthful and respectful.”
Be honest, open, truthful, and respectful, as you would to anyone else. Be a friend.

I would have loved nothing more than to wish you happiness in your life. I wanted us to be able to know each other and to keep in touch.
After our last conversation, Hurricane Harvy happened and I felt bad. Because I lost my home, my job, ALL of my possessions, and I never saw the guy I was dating again- when I lived through a Hurricane, myself. So, I looked you up on Instagram. Wow. You go on vacation with your best friend and your new girlfriend. Of course, you do!

We were born from a different life. You will never fully know where I come from, and I’ll never fully understand you. You should be with someone that can afford your lifestyle, that doesn’t struggle, like me. I hope I helped you understand your privilege. Because I forced you to witness someone who wasn’t born with it. You should be with someone near your age. Because, you couldn’t figure out how to be real with me when you were not capable of being that kind of man, yet. Ugh, How is it even possible to ask someone to become a man who wants a real future with me when he can not even come to terms with his true self.. let alone a concept of partnership/companionship??!!

I made the mistake of not being truthful to myself, when I first said,
GO OUT AND LOVE SOME MORE.
I would’ve encouraged you, and supported you. But you didn’t even give me that opportunity.
Telling a person, “I’m sorry” doesn’t really mean an apology.
I know that I would never, ever disrespect, disregard, or just plainly disengage myself from ANYONE that I once loved.
So, thank you, again… Thanks for allowing me to SEE you for who YOU have become or really, who you’ve always been.
” When in love, a fool’s eyes see true.”
Don’t steal that, as it’s an original ADG quote, okay? You’ve taken enough from me, and made it seem as if you learned those ideas, those truths, on your own..

I hope that someday, in your life, you will gain the ability to be able to self reflect. Hopefully, you will be able to look back on your life and realize the influences of the people who cared for you, and actually be able to appreciate them.

Yet, I won’t hold my breath.

You said I taught you about relationships and love. You taught me about how to believe in the love I have for myself.

I sent you a couple of texts a few weeks ago, as my olive branch. My way of saying, hey I don’t hate you, in fact I wish you well.. You know, you- that guy that dumped me 15 minutes before his flight.. The guy who promised to turn the car around to make love to me, but instead made me turn the car around to say, Nope, I don’t love you anymore- even though he just told me he did, when I dropped him off.

Thanks Buddy.
I’ll be sure to “never change” and keep being a “good person.” Just like you said..
While, you keep figuring out how to be a “good person” like I once thought you were.

P.S.
You’re probably asking yourself, why now? Why am I saying this now? Well, because I’m still trying to be a better version of me, and I think at times, that I have let it all go, that I’ve improved, I’ve moved on.. and then I hear Beast of Burden or even The Eye, and it hurts. But it doesn’t hurt me like you might think. It hurts that I don’t smile and wish for your happiness, as I always have done with my past lovers. It hurts because I think you’re a fucking asshole, and I ask myself, why should a complete asshole be happy? It’s selfish of me, I know, to want to somehow redeem you to non-asshole status. And despite myself, I did want you to LOVE SOME MORE, even if I’m not 80.. I hope she’s great ( with extremely ugly feet) for you.
I really just wish that you had believed in me, as a person, as a friend. You should have told me that you found someone new. Shouting, ” I didn’t love you anymore” wasn’t just inconsiderate, it was cruel. I may have my opinions about you, but I never thought you’d be cruel. Especially to me..I deserved better, I deserved truth, honesty, and respect. Like a Friend.

That’s my peace, and my Mic drop, (*whisper* Bitches)

Hermosa

0 Comments

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*