Dear Lindi,

Once again you’ve gone. We both contributed to this second breakup. You physically pushed me from your home with your children around to witness it. I hope that really got to you afterwards and I hope it still bothers you. I’m no saint because without you knowing I slept with another woman the night before you ended it all, I’ve known her for seven years and have loved her dearly, we always stayed in touch on an on-off basis. A week after you and I got back together after our first break I bumped into her again after a long period of no contact.

We told each other we felt the same, we told each other we still loved each other, we made love for the first time. All this the night before you ended our relationship again. I had no regrets because of who she was to me and you would never have known. The day after you left me I called her up, we met again and as you now know we were seen together by a friend of yours, I panicked knowing this would get back to you so I lied in my letter about the situation.

I guess I still cared enough in some screwed up way and didn’t to want to hurt you, but I did. We’ve both hurt each other, we are even on that and I refuse to keep blaming my self now. Anyway she’s gone back to her homeland, maybe I will see her again, maybe not … so now you know … sort of. After all the time I thought I loved you and would never do such a thing to you she came along, my one very special exception. Regardless of our twisted ending we had a tense relationship. Ours was the best love making I’d ever shared, you were a gorgous woman but my god had I known how many issues you had I would never have let myself get drawn in.

Yes it was only six months between you and my last partner, but I thought we were for real at the time. We had some stunning times but the egg shells I found myself hovering above were to numerous to count. Your constant issues were often so selfish at times, you have no idea how you drained me, it was always me pushing us along. You slamming and locking on doors on me. Your silences all had a damaging effect on me – but I loved you. I did my best with your kids so don’t ever tell me again that I didn’t. Your insensitive nature is something you should work on to be honest, you need to think about what comes out of your mouth before you open it sometimes.

I lost friendships because of you, how stupid of me to be so led by you. Getting over your divorce seemed like a poor excuse for the way you treated me at times… telling me the days of reading a bedtime story to my daughters in their home was a pretty shit thing to say, you and your imagination. I would never get back with their mother but you could never understand we were on good terms, that was a threat to you. All women around me were a threat to you.  I guess my actions at the end of our relationship confirmed your fears but get over it. It happened after you left me. A little too soon yes but after.

Basically you and I were a screwed up couple. We thought it was all going to work out. Damn we both hurt now… we are ignoring each other, not the perfect ending but in reality it wasnt the perfect relationship . So go now to your recovery groups and read your little recovery books that always sat by the bed. Damn. I should have seen those as a warning straight away. Go and tell everyone about poor you, get your fix of pity from your circle of recovery fans who didn’t know us as a couple. Pretend you’re ok, I know you’re not; I’m not, what a mess.

Go now and wear that short skirt out, go and change your hair colour and lose some weight, do every thing you can to make me jealous and make your self feel great again but inside your a screwed up piece of womanhood who needs to sort her issues out. I have my issues yes but it took you to bring them out so I guess I’m at least grateful for that. I’m staying single now and have no interest in woman at all, it’s me myself and I, this is all just too screwed up, my issues, yours, we will never resolve this.

I don’t hate you , you may hate me; you’re good at cutting off. I hope everytime we ignore each other now that you see something that you miss. I miss you, we have our regrets now. I’m angry at all of this, why do we do this to ourselves?? Two years for nothing… we messed up… your music taste was crap as well, I reckon we were about 30 percent compatible at best if I’m honest.. damn I loved you though.

Just take care OK. I’m sorry for the part I played in all this, no sorry will ever help against me sleeping with another, it was so wrong and so right though, you’d never understand. I could go on and on and on… basically we shouldn’t have happened. I’m putting it down to being a half answered prayer and one I shall take note of. We need to work on ourselves now… No doubt I will see you on the high street and no doubt we will ignore each other. A sad but fitting end .

A