Dear B,

You told me I could trust you and I believed you. You told me you cared. You shared your life with me but didn’t want me to share mine. But you know what hurts the most? All the mean things you said at the end. You bugged me for months to sleep with you and didn’t understand why I wouldn’t. When you asked to know why and I told you, you were actually pretty incredible and told me I was an amazing woman. I had never shared with a man before that I lost my virginity to rape. Why when you decided to walk away did you tell me it was a burden to you? I never freaked out; I never mentioned it again for that matter. I only told you because you asked and I didn’t know how I was going to feel sleeping with someone again. I didn’t want to freak-out and have you go running. If it was such a big deal to you, why did you even bother? Why not just walk away the minute you knew?

You pursued me pretty relentlessly so I mistakenly thought what we had was what you were looking for. You dragged me everywhere and wanted me around all the time. Even on boys’ nights (awkward!) I cared about you so didn’t say no nearly enough. When I got sick, you were sweet…at first. Then when the testing continued and I asked you to come cuddle one night, you freaked out. Why did you freak out?! I was the one having to have every scan and test in the book. I didn’t even tell you how it made me feel. I just asked for a hug and you couldn’t even manage that. You disappeared and sent a text five days later saying you hoped the last test went okay. I’m fine, by the way, but you never even asked.

Within a 10 day window you went from being joined with me at the hip to telling me that I wasn’t what you wanted, that it never “clicked” for you, that you wanted to commit to other women but not me, that you were never even really attracted to me and none of the relationship meant anything to you. I feel stupid for asking you to work things out, in hindsight. I feel even worse that I let myself be a doormat for someone and that you took complete advantage of my vulnerability at the time. I hate that I trusted and had faith in you.

Seeing you last week was difficult. I hadn’t seen you in months and you couldn’t even say hello to me or my friend who introduced himself. You just strutted around and tried to act like you didn’t care. And you know what, I know you do. Maybe not about me but about me moving on. If you were mature, you’d be a man about this and be kind. But now I’ve seen your true colors. I’m not sure why I even miss you some days. I deserve so much more than you.

Despite myself, I still care about you even with all the nastiness you sent my way. I hope it actually hurt you to end things and I do hope you look back one day with some regret. But you know what? It’s like I told you the last time we talked, I’ll be fine no matter what. I always am.

This is my final goodbye.