Dear Lucas,

You won’t read this as I’d choose to not send it to you. It has been a week since we broke up but I still hurt over it, but it’s normal. It shows how much I loved you I suppose…

I was really angry in our last talks. I said quite some bad things. I wanted to make you understand of the things that really hurt me in your behaviour, but I didn’t realize it was in vain. Or maybe not? I’ll never know.

I still don’t understand what made you behave the way you did, why did you turn so cold and distant towards me me? We used to have so much fun typing and being on cam. I remember the way you smiled, and laughed… I really miss those times.

Since we broke up I was browsing, and by that I stumbled one day on photos of someone looking like you. My heart melted but it was more of a bitter-sweet experience. It hurt me a lot knowing that we’re not together any more, and we can’t have those good times back, but that’s life…

I knew seeing those sort of photos would only bring more damage upon me, but I didn’t want to stop, as it was like a drug…

Then I wounded up looking at some old photos hoping it would get my mind off things. There was a photo that I jokingly took of my screen with my phone while you were on cam. You were smiling… and that was what broke my heart.

Maybe if we wouldn’t have been living half a world apart from each other, things would have been different… Maybe if we were living together, things in our lives would have been better. But you even stopped believing in the possibility we’ll move in together… why? You kept pushing me away, thinking that I’d deserve someone better… disregarding what I felt for you, not bothering to do something about what you think makes me unhappy. I didn’t ask for much, I just wanted back the person I fell in love with…

Today I wanted to write you an e-mail… saying that I miss you. And in spite of all what happened I wanted to tell you that I still love you, that I wish things would have been different, but I thought you probably won’t care much for my feelings any more, or it wouldn’t have had any importance to you. Also you said you wanted to turn the page… and be friends again some other time, and I didn’t want to ruin your progress, or to ruin my chance to recover. Also I should probably take the mature route and move on, let somebody else enter my life, someone more worthy, someone that will be there for me and not desert me like you did…

I still care a lot about you… Who knows, maybe one day I’ll forget all of this. If I picture all the wrong things you did to me I’ll be able to go over this without entering depression… Maybe one day the good memories that I share with you will be like a nice and mellow stroll down the memory lane.

This is what I wish I could write you, but I think it’s for the  best if you won’t actually read this.

Knowing how uncomfortable you feel about this sort of exposure, and knowing there is a very low chance you would stumble upon this and know who I am, please know that I never intended you to read this, and I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable. I just wanted to vent and get rid of these uneasy feelings…

I wish you well with your future life and that you will be happy in the future.