A bowlful of feelings

A bowlful of feelings

A bowlful of feelings

You meet someone in your life, who no matter how bizarre it seems at that very moment, impacts upon you. Just a stranger, next the person you spend thinking about all day, all night.

There are honestly days I wish I hadn’t met you for all the bad things that happened between us. But I would experience them all over again just for a single good thing we shared. I would put it in past tense and say ‘I loved you’ but that would be lying.

I love you.

You can’t just forget someone who made such a  huge impact on you at the drop of a hat. That’s just not how love works, maybe for some but not for me. We beat loads of things even though it was difficult. We beat you giving up on yourself through your cancer and so many other things.

We got through so much together. But we forgot all the good things, we forgot how to have fun, put it in the past. We forgot to remember.

I don’t think we ever focused on the things we did get through, when we should have, in all honesty. I wish we had every time I look back.

Every day is ‘I wish we had/I wish we hadn’t’. I never got the chance to tell you how much you meant to  me and I miss that chance every day. I have always been scared of putting myself into everything but not you. I’m working hard on getting better at all these things because you made a point, I will be okay one day. All the promises you made were just lies, you said you’d be here regardless of how things turned out, time and time again. I keep asking myself the same old question “Where are you now?”  There are different answers for different days. I sometimes wonder how you are doing and if you are okay. That you aren’t alone, that you’ve got someone to confide in. Other times it consists of me wondering why you left and where are you. If you are waiting for me, do you feel the same as I do now? There are always different answers.

You were so good to me, yet so awful and I just can’t seem to let you go.

Just, I hope you find someone better than I am.

All of your exes cannot forget you and I guess there is a reason for it all, we all feel like we didn’t do enough to keep you. We screwed up. There is just something about you dear, it’s something you can’t reveal until you know you like I do. Maybe they knew you better but that something, I cannot find in anyone else. Nobody seems to evoke the emotions I had for you. I just don’t want to be alone anymore, I don’t want to miss you. I forget you sometimes but in those moments of nothing, you always turn up, spring to mind. You are always with me and I’m sorry.

I hope life turns out great for you. Maybe see you around one day? Pass you in the street, a glance in a shop. Maybe one day you’ll be okay to talk to me like we used to.

I miss my best friend, even if we never get to what we had. I just want my friend back.

It’s hard not having anyone to talk to when things get bad anymore. No one got me like you did.

I’m sorry for being so screwed up.

1 Comment

  1. patriciasingh 7 years ago

    i found that this letter was something that i can almost relate to cuz i have had these same emotions and yet they are still there

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