I have never forgotten that fleeting moment on the afternoon on February the 4th 2013, as the sun was setting behind you, illuminating thy silhouette as if an archangel herself who then smite me as I painfully and lovingly gazed upon thee knowingly for it to be my last moment with thee before that deserving blow, the darkness enshrouded my heart which burst a sunder from your angelic voice and cast aside. A part of me died right then and there.
I left after voicing hurtful words back at thee, I left my sundered heart scattered across your driveway and as I vanished westward into the dying rays of sunset. I was so cold and no amount of light could stop my body convulsing from shock.
Do you have my missing pieces of my fragmented heart?
As ill fate would have it, I couldn’t drive from the torrent of tears streaming down my face, so as I pulled over just before the freeway turnoff. Why I stepped outside my car I will never know as Karma would come so soon as the darkness did take hold of me as a speeding car collided with my sorry self as she too was heading westwards into the fading rays of sunlight. The car and I became one and then two again as my body was flown a sunder to only land by miracle on a grassed section between the opposing lanes. The screams of anguish I heard weren’t from thy but other drivers as I felt nothing. The last thing I do remember was comforting the female driver and I asked her feebly to politely move out of the suns ray’s as she was blocking my view. I kept saying it’s alright as it’s meant to be just as the sun is still shining respectfully upon the Earth. As my eyelids felt ever so heavy the sounds of sirens was getting ever so closer. The look of fear on their faces to whom I don’t remember, I said to to my new fans with what energy I had left “Love Is Everything”.
I woke up in emergency a day later to the morning sun shining upon me, so I thought anyhow. I smiled, as I thought to myself if this isn’t a sign from God himself granting me another chance at life. I promised myself right then and there what path I must follow. The path to enlightenment.
Wonder Woman, I have never ever stopped loving you since that magical moment when our eyes gazed upon each other and I was transfixed as I saw an angel in disguise. We saw each other’s own reflection in each other’s eye’s? It pains me so much reading your letters here and emails as you were the one to leave me and did it via phone. I waited that ill fated Monday at yours not for my stuff but to reason with you.
Did you know that you were my first “TRUE LOVE” and not Lisa, my previous partner of 14 years. I only realised that the other week.
I have never felt such a connection with another loving soul such as you and I gave it our all from the very beginning of our magical journey. I have never felt so loved by another mind, body and soul! We were identical in every aspect of who we were, what we loved, enjoyed, culturally, views. We would have brushed past each other many times over the years before we even met as we loved exactly the same venues, cafes, foods and activities.
My heart yearns for thee! Where did it all go so wrong?
We both know the hard painful truths to that question? 🙂 Would you agree? It has never changed how I felt for you. We both did wrong by each other in different ways and I admit and accept my role in that.
As tears of joy as I’m smiling at the same time, I say to thee “Vivacious Vixen” how could I come and see you face to face as you told me that very Monday you no longer loved me and hadn’t for some time? And to never contact you again. I did as you asked and begrudgingly let you be.
You told me of your last two relationships and said they were violent and still stalkers, and one to this very day? I never wanted you to remember me in such a way. That was so hard for both of us and for me how could I try and rekindle our unfinished journey of love? If I could not see you? It’s because I cared and respected you just as I do now.
Your no contact rule hurt both of us so badly as you never gave me the closure I respectfully deserved? Every person deserves that? For you to say via email, I had to figure it out myself was so tormenting and distressing. (Just as I lashed out at you via texts and emails when I crumbled on occasion to which I’m ever so sincerely sorry).
It didn’t help having a family member die soon after you gone. I sent you some horrible and nasty emails and why I said it to my soulmate was a mystery to me till recently.
You stated in one of your several “LETTERS TO THE EX” I wasn’t doing enough to change. You are so incorrect as I’m not the man you once knew – I’m way better and I’m proud and happy of where and how I’ve come to be this better “New Aware Man” and I have you to thank for as you were my spiritual guide inadvertently. As you know it takes the most painful emotional journeys to wanting evolve permanently.
Have you been able to repair your issues you had? Are you still receiving help? As you’ve written you have and I’m so proud you took that step. I say this as if by a slim miracle we cross path once again we both have conquered our demons and fears.
I know why I lost my composure those few times. It was my fear of abandonment and this was brought on by Lisa. It makes so much sense nowadays. My other bad habit was my mistake for believing what I thought was confidence was in fact in Ego ego is a very bad trait. I now have a answer to why I got angry those few times as I had never been like before in my life with anyone.
To reinforce permanently the new me, I have transformed myself willing and wantingly as I now travel down the path of self enlightenment. One of my Yoga teachers said to me all that travel this path have had something devastating happen to them emotionally and sometimes physically. I brought out the past fears from your prior relationships and I am forever so sorry to make you feel so again. It makes sense of your actions to which I couldn’t originally understand. You were protecting yourself. I’m at peace with myself now and am mentally and physically fitter than I’ve ever been in my life. Aside from work (which I’m excelling about). I changed my mindset where as I now look at my work as challenging rather than stressful. Funny that I allowed myself to co-create my on stress 🙁
Mon-Vinyasa Yoga, Tues-Life/Spiritual Coaching then Vipassana Meditation, Wed-Clinical Psychologists then Hatha Yoga, Fri-dance class, Sat-Bootcamp then Ashtanya Yoga. I have been to every class since February. I’ve also organised a business plan and am starting that in October. And I’m waiting on a response from a University so I can live my dream by doing a certain degree that’ll allow this to unfold.
And to your “believing I’ve slept with other women since separation is wrong”. I’ve abstained since that very day in February. I decided I need time to reflect and think with my “first brain” and not the second. It has allowed me to have so much clarity and new perspectives when communicating with anyone. Yes I did this also in the faint hope we maybe entwined in each other’ once again. You will hardly recognise me physically and mentally now as I’m a ball of wire who lost 20kg and no matter how much I eat now I can’t put on weight due to my resume. I want to show you I am the man you fell in love with and even more. I surprise everyone I come across now as my” tanks are in positive abundance”.
I said in one of my hurtful emails that you never gave me anything when in fact you gave me the best present this man has ever recieved from another. You gave me “life skills” & no figure can buy – Life Skills!
Spunky Monkey you gave me the key to unlock the loving mysteries that is you.
You welcomed me with open arms into to your harmonious home from the start.
I was introduced to a new culture of people that I felt so proud of, and to be a wholeheartedly treated as part of your family who treated me with kindness and said to me it was if I was their long lost son. And from the word go. I was so overwhelmed and humbled to be accepted by your loving family.
The ink heart shaped post it notes you always hid for me to find when I had slept in.
No woman has ever done such a beautiful thoughtful near daily wake up gift.
I awoke to find on many occasion you pulling the rugs up over me when I was cold, you were so nurturing-I’m crying atm now.
For showing me how easy it is to make the bed in the morning again to which I do everyday…
Encouraging me to brush my teeth, then floss & brush them again. How white my teeth are now 🙂
To raise my standards when I went to the local deli and put thongs on not go barefoot. I now own 4 pairs of thongs.
I am indebted to you for driving me into work at the beginning when I briefly lost my licence. That alone I never could thank you enough my love.
The two rounds of sandwiches you made me daily so I learnt to better save money as every dollar counts. Since I bought another house I now have a written budget which I adhere to.
I didn’t iron my work clothes as it’s on work I said & t’s how you hang it. Cheeky bugger I was, You made me look smart and I always was complimented too. That too I now do.
After a Sunday morning sensuous sexacise session you cooked me a scrumptious Macedonian breakfast.
My juicy tender lips you always fawned over kept cracking and you introduced me to a great brand of lip balm-Natio For Men.
Invited me to so many family functions as I met the most amazing loving compassionate people, and the weddings, I have been to many yet none like a Macedonian wedding where the love is in the air everywhere, the dancing together, the live bands that make the wedding a night to remember and so many momentous occasions!
To had the honour of being invited to your father’s mother gravesite where as Macedonian’s celebrate a death with anniversaries! That made me melt as it shows the bonds of the family unit even after death.
That week before we separated you made me aware I kept squinting when I drove as I had my sunglasses always on my head and not wearing them lol silly man:)
In summary She who was my spiritual guide, my first real true and soulmate who I loved from the beginning of our journey through the seasons and she who started me on this spiritual journey which I had to do otherwise I would have gone through the rest of my life in circles. I can’t thank you enough from the bottom of my new found loving compassionate heart and I only wish the best and may you find true happiness in every area of your magical life as you deserve nothing less. It was an honour and a privilege to have met you as God himself must have decreed it to be fate. You know my numbers and where I work (I’ve moved house now) so if I see you again I will know it is meant to be and if I don’t I have learnt the biggest lesson in my life so far.
Snuggle Buggle XCOXCO