For a long time I wanted to write you a letter, for closure but perhaps out of selfish need to make you understand (and feel) exactly how I felt. It is with the type of letter that I struggled with most. I carried a lot of anger and resentment, couldn’t understand why you had to do what you did, I couldn’t make sense of your emotions and reactions; the stranger you so suddenly became.
This first letter would rip your heart apart, smother you with guilt, this letter would expose every hurtful deed to the world and declare you the devil. This letter would destroy you and make me feel superior; it would attempt to return the abuse in equal measure. This letter would of course be written in delusion; it’s a self defense mechanism which proves my weakness.
The second letter would be the letter to beg for an apology, to regain self-worth via recognition of wrongs done and suffering endured. This letter would be riddled with false hope and prove that your power over me persists.
The third letter would throw everything to the wind and declare in desperation how much I miss you, it would be the “I can’t live without you” kind of thing where my apparent unknown love for you would be revealed and what was our flawless relationship will be mended in fairy-tale like fashion. Fortunately life is not a fairy tale.
These are all letters that I wanted to write to you, past tense. Instead I am writing a letter of acknowledgement, a subjective but honest report of you and me and our story to date.
I acknowledge the good:
I truly loved you with all my heart, and I have great memories of you and our past relationship that enriched my life and for that I thank you. You were and will continue to be exceptionally beautiful; you have awesome potential to realize unimaginable dreams. You have a kind and caring heart, you are determined and hard working. You are smart and outgoing and it is easy to admire you.
I acknowledge the bad:
You don’t have a solid self-image which opens up the potential to be misused by others and to spin out of control. You are manipulative and deceitful; you seek out relationships to fulfill needs. You are impulsive in a bad way, just like you have good potential you have big potential to destroy, not only your own life but the lives of others with you. Please know that I am not trying to break you down I am only to the best of my ability trying to be truthful to who you really are.
I acknowledge your pain:
You had a damaging childhood, the bit you told me made me cringe; I cannot believe that anyone endured what you endured. You are a survivor and you are strong, but realize that damage has been done which cannot be ignored and must be worked through if you could ever hope to have a healthy relationship, and that only you can do it nobody can do it for you, no relationship or temporary gratification can take it away. Sad but true. Get people in your live to support you with this specifically without ulterior motives.
I acknowledge that I was hurt:
Again the goal of this letter is not to make you feel guilty or to make you apologize. I realize the way we went our separate ways was harsh; this part is to confirm that you really had an impact on my heart, that I cared for you deeply therefore what you did truly hurt me.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever truly loved me, or if everything was driven by your needs for whatever you perceived will help you survive. I felt betrayed, felt unworthy of love, I was disrespected, castrated and emasculated without mercy, not even feeling worthy to be a person. You got me to blame myself for the things that you did, you manipulated me into something without a spine; I still shudder when I think what I have become towards the end of our relationship.
I acknowledge that I have no right to judge you:
Although I know a part of you, I can’t hope to understand the reasons why you did most of what you did. I didn’t live your life, experience your pain, dream your dreams or had the same people influence me. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really don’t think you are a bad person, and that I’m sorry for not trying to be more understanding of the cause of your actions and not the symptoms, I realize that it did damage to our relationship.
I acknowledge that I too had a part:
I did things that I knew were hurtful and sometimes I might have done things that was hurtful unknowingly. I am sorry for the pain I caused you and I hope you can/have forgiven me like I forgave myself for my part. The bad decisions you took however was not my fault they were ultimately your choices.
I acknowledge that I still care for you:
I will always care for you! It is my sincere hope that you can have a live full of joy, a life free from hurt, an honest life full of beauty and good and loving relationships. I will always secretly be routing for you, I am the guy behind the curtain with the thumbs up pose. I remain one of your fans.
I acknowledge that our relationship is irreconcilable:
Unfortunately what was done cannot be undone and although I have forgiven you, what you did will make it impossible to trust you again and to give you the freedom I think you deserve in a relationship setting.
So I suppose that’s it; a summary of things I really wanted to tell you. I hope you appreciate the way I tried to put things and I hope you haven’t taken offence. I am doing well, I am making things happen in my life again, and I am dreaming again; truth is I only realized after our breakup how much I missed myself! I will never regret our relationship, you truly are someone special that I had the privilege to have in my life; if you walk the right path you will enrich the world.
I hope that if I ever see you again I will be able to give you a warm smile and I hope that it will be returned by you, I loved you for too long to handle you like a stranger or an enemy.