For the record, this letter would be my first. I have been planning to send you one to express my inner thoughts and feelings after our breakup. But i will grab this space and chance to tell you everything i want to say. For many years we have been together, i had good memories and experiences i treasure up to this moment. And i appreciate everything you did for me. Thank you for being my best friend, my companion, my lover and partner. You have been my wall and strength for many years. I will not deny that you have been a great part of my life.

I have never been happier the way i was when i think of the good times we were together.I felt i was so lucky for having you as my partner.In return,I gave you the best of me and loved you sincerely and devotedly. But things started to change, i felt so much pain of the betrayal you caused me. Pain that almost killed me. It went over my head to the point of suffering anxiety. It has affected my health and my job. I was so angry at you, you gave me excuses and so many lies.But then again after the first breakup i gave the relationship a chance because i cant stop loving the man i used to know.I told myself that i wont give up no matter how painful it was knowing that you already have feelings for this girl.

I had this illusion that darkness will soon be over and daylight would come. I was even ready to build a family with you. I was fighting for the love of the man whom i thought i can spend my lifetime. I thought you will change and we can save the relationship.I thought you will leave her and choose the life we had planned. but i was wrong, you betrayed me again and again because you never admitted anything in the first place. I don’t know if you see me as an idiot or stupid not knowing what was going on. I cant even feel you were sorry or regretful. What i saw was a monster in disguised as a man.. no feelings, no remorse, no conscience.

I don’t feel the love anymore that made me even think you didn’t really love me at all. I just exist because of your selfish needs and desires. You made me feel like a garbage that you cannot dispose because you invested too much already. The situation had gotten worst and you stabbed me at my back. You said nasty and below the belt words that only a bad and evil person can do to his partner. You accused me of using you to get what i want. You ruined me and made fun of me just to pleased her. How inconsiderate you have become, very inhuman.

I never thought that the man i loved the most can do these awful things to me. Have you even bother to think how i would feel or how it will crashed me. I guess you didn’t care at all because all you did was to deny and lie.When i realized there is no hope, i gathered my strength and courage, i knew it would not be easy for me emotionally, psychologically, physically and financially. I don’t want to be a doormat, when you were just waiting for the right time to leave me. I have to love myself and stop the abuse. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to leave you.

i have to hate you to the bone and stick to my head the abuse and pain i suffered from you all the time so that i wont feel the love anymore. And it was not very easy, as if you were a shadow following me all the time.I would admit i still love you and i am not sure if i can erase or pretend that fact. And yes i do miss you, all the things we do together.. how you make me laugh, how i make you laugh, the care i gave you, the things i learned from you, the times i prepare loving dinner for you. I miss all of that. Im still glad we had that chance, but they just have to pass by and go with the time.

In spite the hardship that you gave me, i also owe you an apology. The anger made me a bad and tactless person. I went out of control in bursting out my emotions. It was not my intention to reveal things about you and the relationship, i just felt i needed to clarify and air my side so that people would not think I’m  just making up stories in my mind like what you told them. It was a big mistake and i truly apologize. I have been a desperate fool. I should have kept my silence.I hate myself for loosing control. I thought i was just making friends but i went too far and i regret it. I hope you would know that i am not that kind of person.

I’m so sorry that i hurt you badly. My frustration, anger and pain made me an asshole. Maybe you would think it was my revenge to get back at you. Again, it was not my intention, i can be a bitch sometimes, but i would never wanted to win the battle in that manner. Stupid mistake to trust people whom you do not know so much.I was just trying to reach out to people, be sociable and friendly to forget my sadness but it ended up in a mess. I guess i tried too hard to be someone i am not and its a lesson for me.

At this point i am thinking, how much do we really know each other? After the years we have been together, i never knew you would turn out to be this kind of person. I knew you had a troubled childhood but i never realized it was something serious. forgive me but i did a little research and i just find out how this situation affects you badly. I regret that u never trusted me to know everything about you. I regret that you never saw me as someone who can understand what you are going thru. U never knew me as a deep person and someone who can show compassion when you needed one. I hope when the pain is gone and time heals the wound, we could still be friends. After all, we are ex- partners. I will always cherish the good memories and you will always be in that special spot in my heart. I wish u will find the happiness you are looking for. You are in my prayers..