Transfixed

I want to say something nice. I can’t anymore for there isn’t one thing that I could say about you. I had so many great memories until you shattered them all by all the horrible things you did. To think you know someone & then to see who they truly are is something I never come across before or heard of as all the people I know have a heart. For me to say this is no easy feat for I do not like speaking ill of people in general as I’ve always been a positive person. That’s until I met you. I was so in love for what I perceived to be your heritage & what it entailed. I see that now, as that was nothing short of an illusion you portrayed, remarkably actually.

If only I say professional help sooner as I was becoming someone I didn’t know anymore. When told & shown who you were by more than one of them, three in fact for I didn’t believe or want to believe I should say & considering they are had PHD’s in their profession’s it hurt me so much. The sad thing is I still loved you as that is what a person with a “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”. They are one step short of a psychopath, or in their case they were a sociaopath which is just as bad. The worst thing is they don’t even know or realise they are one for that is part of their personality & agenda. It was the worst & scariest relationship which I wouldn’t even call it that as once they have their claws in you.

Your then the object when they want you as it is always about them, never about you as you mean nothing to them as you are a tool or plaything for them that they always break over time. They slowly destroy every moral fibre that is you & you won’t know why, what is gong on, what have or am I doing wrong, people around you will say “hey your not the happy same you anymore, are you alright” & you will say it’s me ATM I;m going through a rough patch which is my fault which it is only for allowing yourself to be under their spell. I was lucky that I was able to get away from them as many who don’t are so damaged they are never the same. I’m definitely not the same & have been scarred. Even after you have gone they will still & do manage to sink their claws into you. They set out to destroy you once you have escaped their lair which is their world.

The worst part for me is as there are five types of this disorder, they had to be the one that was the seductive sexual type who was so mind blowing that it was like a drug. I was so addicted that all I wanted was more which they strung me along like leading a horse to water. I have never been so used & felt so violated when I found this out.

People should read up on these types of dangerous people because once you understand & realise what the warnings are you will see through their sick, evil twisted game. There is no hope for you but to turn & as fast as you can for if they catch you, they will trick your mind into being their pet toy. They will have more than one of you when they tire of you. They didn’t tire of me for I was more than their match sexually much to my dismay for then I would have been discarded so much sooner. I am closed to the other sex now as I have been so damaged by what I inadvertently let happen to me. One day I hope to be whole again as love is what we are about in this world, from family, to friendships, work, holidays, adventures & to partners. When you have lost your happiness you are not alive but a zombie who pines to be alive once more.

I thought this stuff only happened in movies as I would have never put my hand up to play the lead role if I knew this was the outcome. So many tablets everyday. So much rebuilding of myself. You will never comprehend or completey understand the gravity of the situation until it happens to you which I hope no one ever has to experience this. I can’t wait for the day my heart starts beating once more to life itself. I pray everyday it’ll get better. I was once a strong, happy, outgoing, successful person…And now I roam here & there looking for my missing heart. Has anyone seen it. They have most likely got it for I can feel their call.

God I miss them. What is wrong with me.

One more victim of a Narcissist. Whoops my eye fell out, I must be going blind to not see the truth.

7 Comments

  1. Ian 9 years ago

    I am so sorry for you. But I will say that who ever you have seen professionally is not that good. As know one I know who is a professional psychologist would ever try and diagnose someone they are not seeing.

    The reason is especially after a break up both parties feels wronged and the truth gets twisted. I really do know as I have been through similar only to, after time realise, that half of what I perceived the other to be was because of how angry I was inside and how wronged I felt.

    A good therapist will help you get through your own pain and build yourself up again. Time helps immensely. I wish you good luck

    X

  2. @Ian 9 years ago

    Hi Ian, what we went of was a journal/diary I had written down daily for over a year, what was said, my thoughts, their reactions etc. I always wrote the truth down & never sugar coated it. I did have to pry to ask as yes your right they didn’t really wish you surmise without a character assessment. They still all said similar things from my journal.

  3. College Student 9 years ago

    Your letter was very passionate and informative. However have you been informed of the symptoms and patterns that emerge over time? Maybe what you thought you knew, what you looked for is not the case? In psychology, one looks for specific symptoms or even a certain disorder. Now what if the lines were blurred?

    Like in this article that I ran across, “Bipolar or Narcissistic Personality Disorder?” Funny, some try to make a quick diagnosis on a first impression. I’m sorry about your ex, it sounds like you loved her a lot. But did you notice her sleep patterns or energy levels? Sometimes those grandiose thoughts of bipolar may seem narcissistic. Bipolar is a mood disorder where sometimes they are hypomanic and feel really high and elated. But that may be mistaken for narcissistic attention getting or unrealistic goals.

    Was she really creative? What seems like boasting or bragging may have been her outlet for creativity. There are numerous studies that were conducted-showing a link between mental illness and creativity. Did she experience depression which looked like a low self-esteem? Bipolar and Narcissistic Personality Disorder are often misdiagnosed but are different like different animals. Like cats and dogs.

    Coming from someone that worked with many coworkers that admitted being bipolar, some of the symptoms you related sounded like it may be a Bipolar Disorder, which comes in a spectrum.

    I really liked the movie “Silver Linings Playbook”, about a Bipolar man, for which the actress won an Oscar. There is more of an awareness of Bipolar Disorder than before and less of a stigma. Also, the movie “The Hours” based on Virginia Woolf’s book might give you some insight into Bipolar. Woolf suffered from Bipolar Disorder, but was very creative in her writing, writing with streams of consciousness. I’m not sure if you can look at your ex’s writing, but try to see if there is that narrative style of writing. Bipolar Disorders gives many a heightened sensitivity to emotions and creativity. No matter what she had, Bipolar Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, hopefully your ex can get the help she needs. Look for the beauty, not the beast because if you look for faults, you’ll find them. Take care!

  4. @college student 9 years ago

    Thank you dear stranger. She was very creative with words. Her surroundings though….very clinical to a point many ppl pointed this out. Ups and downs on a weekly basis. It was great one minute then Bamb! I tried so hard for yes I did love her. Still do, always will as when you love someone they will always have a piece of you. Have I forgiven her. Yes I have. She is the first woman that has ever, & I mean EVER hated me for which I truly didn’t do very little wrong. Oh so confusing. It doesn’t matter now. I will only say good things about her not negative. Nothing more to say:(

    • College Student 9 years ago

      Transfixed,

      I am sorry for the late response, I just noticed your reply today. You are very patient to have dealt with the highs and lows of someone with a mood disorder. And very patient for forgiving her. Sometimes someone that is loving one moment may be hateful the next. Then regret it and is consumed with feelings of worthlessness and self loathing. But your kindness and forgiveness reflects on you, because instead of taking offense, you have patiently analyzed why she may have said what she did. Aside from the Bipolar Mood Disorder, there might have been other causal factors. She might have also been under pressure, fearful, not feeling well, or struggling with an external or internal problem. It doesn’t excuse the outbursts, but recognizing the factors may help us understand why people sometimes say and do things they should not and move us to be forgiving. All of us have said and done things that hurt others and we hope that they will graciously forgive us. Like you have.

      Yesterday was Gratitude Day and I’m sure she was grateful that you have been such a patient and gracious person, generous in loving kindness and forgiving. Those are sterling qualities and very precious, as precious and rare as jewels.

      Keep Shining!

      College Student

  5. Thankyou College Student 9 years ago

    It has taken me along time to smile in all honesty for I have never been so hurt in my entire life, even though it was a short but passionate relationship…if I could even call it that:) I’ve been in love twice before…one nearly 15 years and that hurt no where near as badly. I think it’s because of the way I was treated. I have never been treated so badly by someone that says they love you. The more I think about it the more I am coming to the conclusion that she never knew how to truly love someone? She liked the idea at the beginning, just not the disagreements. They were few and far between and she ran, took flight every time they occurred. Not work on the challenges when with a loved one. Oh well. What’s done is done. Life moves on. Thank you for your thoughts. Much appreciated. Limitless blessings to you & your career.

  6. College Student 9 years ago

    When you said “relationship…if I could even call it that”, made me think of how God made us as relational people. We aren’t isolated individuals, but rather, interdependent on each other. Kind of like how the animals, plants and trees are in some way interconnected and different ones make up a part of an ecosystem. Fellowship in homes, work, friendships and in school can be a source of unbounded joy, but also deep hurt. Being joyful in relationships also involves risk. Maybe the person you cared about never really knew how to truly love someone because she was scared of the risk of being hurt. Yet missing that risk can mean she risked the joy of love…and it’s worth it. We were not created as robots, but rather, God created us with free will…free will, the freedom of choice. It is a gift that can be used to bring joy to us. Many enjoy choosing what they will eat or wear and where to work and live. Bigger decisions may include choosing a marriage partner or whether to have children. But sadly some have misused the gift of free will and have caused much hurt with their selfish choices. And maybe that’s what she has to work on. With reasoning and judgment, hopefully she can learn to truly love and make decisions on life’s challenges that affect her future. And maybe she can move on-not just running and taking flight on every disagreement of problem that arose :), but taking a risk to truly love and be joyful in whatever situation she is in. If she is reading this, I imagine that she is smiling, knowing that you’re smiling for the first time in a long time. And I imagine she is smiling because you took the risk in loving her, being joyful despite the risk and hurt, and she has learned to truly love because of you. Thank you “Transfixed” for your perceptions, insights, and wisdom. I know you will have a wonderful career. I appreciate everything. May you have a blessed day, and many, many, many more to come :)!

    College Student

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.