I want you to know that I still have feelings for you. To be honest, I’m not sure what those feelings are. But I do know they’ve always been there and they’ve never gone away. I’m still bitter about the fact we aren’t together anymore, I think about all the time we spent together and the promises we made, like getting married to “You Guardian Angel”; we would always be there for each other; we would travel to America, and all over the world, and none of it even matters anymore.
I think about how when you broke up with me you told me you needed time for yourself. After being away in Thailand for two weeks and you didn’t even want to see me when you got home. After three years together, the idea of maybe moving in together or having any kind of future just wasn’t there for you. And as much as I hate to admit it, I cried my eyes out when I found out you had a new girlfriend. It sounds dumb because it’s been like 2 and a half years and I have a new boyfriend too, but it just crushed me with the reality that it really is over between us. I can just feel like this dark bitterness building up inside me everyday. It’s been there for a while. Honestly, other than the first 6 months after we broke up, I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy. I’ve had to see a psychologist to help me deal with depression and anxiety. And now to find out you’re moving to another country to be with this girl just fuels it even more.
After 3 years, I wasn’t good enough for you to commit to but now after way less time, you’re prepared to move across the country. Maybe because you’ve had all your own time now and its all out of your system. I get bitter about that too. Like why did you have to leave me to be able to do all those things? I would have loved to travel the world with you; we talked about it all the time. I hate myself sometimes because I try to figure out where I went wrong to cause you to make the decision. I hate myself sometimes because I had the chance to have a second chance with you and I blew it. And as much as I do love Adam sometimes I wish that we didn’t start seeing each other because then I might have given things a second chance and things might be different now. Maybe it would be you and I moving across the world together. I think about where did things go wrong… where did it go from the flowers and kisses and romance to the bored routine we got ourselves into.
I was doing well for a while when we weren’t talking, I barely thought about you. And then one day you followed me on instagram and then unfollowed me almost straight away. But just seeing your name was enough to bring it all back, to have you cross my mind more often than I’d like. And now it’s at this point where I’m writing all of this and I don’t know why. It’s probably useless you even knowing all of this, you have the perfect life now and the last thing you want to hear is this, just making me seem pathetic. But I guess at the moment I just feel like you’re the one that got away.
I’m sorry for any hurt I’ve caused you and I’m sorry I didn’t turn out to be everything you wanted. I think you need to know that. Especially if you’re leaving the country and I’ll never have the chance to tell you this. This has just been a huge weight on my chest, to the point it literally feels like something is standing on my chest. And I’m sorry if you didn’t want to know, and if you don’t really care. I just feel like I really needed to tell you. I’m not really sure what I hope to get out of telling you this, I guess I’m just hoping that it will make me feel better and more free, because I feel like I’m stuck in a void and I owe it to myself and Adam to move on with my life. I also want you to know that although I seemed like I didn’t care we broke up and that I ‘moved on’ quickly that it was a defence mechanism and I’ve never really allowed myself to deal with it and I cared for you so much and was so in love with you and I’m sorry if I made you feel that wasn’t true. I’m sorry that I wasn’t always appreciative of you and that it had to take me losing you to realize what I had. I guess I also hope to get a bit of closure because I don’t really feel like we had that. It would be awesome if you reply to this; it would definitely make me feel like less of an idiot. But I can also understand if you choose not to, I’m not really sure what I would say if I were in your situation and getting this from you.
If you managed to read all this and make sense out of it, thank you. It really means a lot to me that after this time you still cared about what I had to say. I’ll never forget you, you were my first real love and relationship, and no matter what I think you will always have a small space in my heart.