I was crazy in my own way. Crazy to pursue for I don’t know what. Something. Anything. What was I pleading for?

What was I hoping for?

A deep close relationship/friendship where we could tell each other anything. Where we support one another in our downfalls and triumphs. Where we would have each other’s backs. Where we could get close with one another’s family and friends. Supporting one another’s interests and such. Where we would invite each other to events and such. Improving ourselves, one another, and growth. To embrace the warmth of your home and family.

But I suppose that is who my current beau is for.

The harsh reality of it is that you want to keep your distance. So harsh that the only way you’d be willing to be alone with me is under professional terms.

Your neighbors worried, your family worried when I dropped by. It hurt to later realize that I am that much of a stigma (though the reality is that you are a stigma in my own life as well, despite how desperately I wanted to make something work). Sometime in the middle, you even told me that I should go to not keep my ride waiting, as if it all meant nothing.

Was it a game? I certainly had NO fun being a part of it. I lost weight, lost myself, lost care, lost focus,etc.

I have to find love for myself again. Somehow I am making the mistake that I need the love from you to do that, to make myself feel whole and okay again.

I am obsessed and it needs to stop. I am the real, psychotic one that needs help.